Trying to Climb Back on the Wagon

I fell off the wagon... big time.

Short story is that Thursday night was a big fundraiser at L's preschool. I told myself I'd go a little easy on myself that day. I didn't eat anything HORRIBLE -- I had a few sips of wine, a few appetizers (like bruchetta). For dinner I had tilapia with rice & broccoli, and for dessert I had the sorbet. I didn't feel too guilty, and I was OK with everything.

Then I went home and ate some chocolate. For no reason other than this was my "chance".

The next day I went back on plan, but by the time dinner rolled around, I could feel that my heart wasn't in it. Then we had a particularly bad spat with L and sleeping, and I left the house. What did I do? I went to Panera Bread. I had one of my favorite bits of comfort food -- their homestyle macaroni and cheese. The next day, I had a birthday party, and I ate pizza and cake. It just kept spiraling.

I feel like I almost don't know how to eat regular food the right away anymore.  I think that's what scares me so much about having been doing TSFL for over two years (on and off). It's one extreme or the other, and I feel very unstable.

I am back on plan today because I know the alternative is destructive to me. But I feel a bit lost about things. Will I ever be able to make healthy choices and be satisfied with them?

Will it always be all or nothing with me?