Trying to Climb Back on the Wagon

I fell off the wagon... big time.

Short story is that Thursday night was a big fundraiser at L's preschool. I told myself I'd go a little easy on myself that day. I didn't eat anything HORRIBLE -- I had a few sips of wine, a few appetizers (like bruchetta). For dinner I had tilapia with rice & broccoli, and for dessert I had the sorbet. I didn't feel too guilty, and I was OK with everything.

Then I went home and ate some chocolate. For no reason other than this was my "chance".

The next day I went back on plan, but by the time dinner rolled around, I could feel that my heart wasn't in it. Then we had a particularly bad spat with L and sleeping, and I left the house. What did I do? I went to Panera Bread. I had one of my favorite bits of comfort food -- their homestyle macaroni and cheese. The next day, I had a birthday party, and I ate pizza and cake. It just kept spiraling.

I feel like I almost don't know how to eat regular food the right away anymore.  I think that's what scares me so much about having been doing TSFL for over two years (on and off). It's one extreme or the other, and I feel very unstable.

I am back on plan today because I know the alternative is destructive to me. But I feel a bit lost about things. Will I ever be able to make healthy choices and be satisfied with them?

Will it always be all or nothing with me?

Breaking the Monotony + Non-Scale Victory

I caught up with my coach yesterday, and she reminded me (yet again) that my thoughts are normal an that I'm a human being.  That I have to be more forgiving of these thoughts, because they are human ones.

We tossed around an idea of letting myself go easy on the plan once in a while to help shake up the feeling of being deprived. I think that's part of the problem with having to lose 100 pounds instead of just 10 or 20. It is just such a LONG journey, and the fatigue and boredom sets in after a few months. Next week is the Parent's Night Out Fundraiser at L's preschool, which 2 years ago fell during my first week of starting TSFL.  I've been doing this for 2 friggin' years now. It's frustrating that I'm still fighting the same [mental] blocks. I had visions of myself  one or two years later being at trim, healthy person -- possibly even an inspiration for others.  I'm still bogged down in frustration and shame.

I'm afraid of the idea of easing off the plan, but it does sound like a bit of a relief. But the way I see it, there are a few things that have to happen if I am to try this:

• This wouldn't be a full day off-plan eating whatever the hell I want. No going completely overboard like I did on New Year's Eve. Maybe just allowing myself a little taste of the carbs, or a few bites of dessert without feeling guilty.
• This would be maybe one meal, not the whole day. At least until I can prove to myself that I can handle it.
• This would happen ONCE a month (at max)
• I'd have to go RIGHT BACK ON PLAN the next day
• My expectations have to be realistic -- I will likely not lose weight that week, and in fact, I might even gain. And I have to be willing to be OK with that. Because if my progress stalls for 1 week, but is solid the other 3 weeks, and it helps keep my attitude in line, it might be worth it.

Just thinking about how I would attack this makes me feel somewhat more in control. Perhaps that's part of what's holding me back -- being on a strict plan makes me feel powerless, almost like I'm a prisoner. This COULD be good, but I can't let it mentally turn into an excuse. I'm not sure yet.

On an unrelated note, I had (what I'd call) a non-scale victory yesterday. I took R to meet my sister and her kids at my nephew's baseball practice, which is 2 hours long. So we went for a long walk around the nearby lake. It's around 2.5 miles. R rode her bike (we're working on building her confidence so she can ditch the training wheels soon) and everyone else walked. My sister was clearly getting tired, I was fine -- I even took over pushing the stoller for her. I ran a few times with the stroller to catch-up / chase the older kids.  Later at dinner, my sister said to me "I don't know about you, but my legs feel like jelly." I said "I feel great".

And I meant it.

(P.S..... she's the thinner one... by a lot)

So I guess I'm doing something right.

Going Through the Motions

My coach sent an e-mail today celebrating 4 years of her healthy journey. She pointed out that she got out of the "diet" mentality and shifted her focus towards establishing healthy habits and a healthy lifestyle.

I feel like I'm slipping. I'm going through the motions... I'm eating my meal replacements, I'm drinking my water. But my lean & green is getting lazy. I'm nibbling on things. I'm having more and more negative feelings, and that "longing" for "real food" (read: comfort food)

These are NOT the thoughts of a healthy person. These are the thoughts of a frustrated person dieting for the 50-millionth time, who has zero confidence and faith in herself. These are the thoughts of someone who will not just eat one cookie. These are the thoughts of the person who will eat ALL the cookies.

I genuinely don't know how to change this.

Sometimes I wonder if the only reason I haven't caved completely is because then I'd have to come here and write about my failure on this blog.

I guess that's something... and maybe it'll stop me from getting much FATTER, but it's not enough.

Grumpy

I'm kind of grumpy. Scale went up a half a pound. I didn't run to the fridge and stuff my face, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I'm frustrated.

There are some reasons to believe that this might be a bit of water-weight. I had some corned beef on Saturday when we had friends over, which is salty and fatty. Then on Sunday, I had Chinese take-out. Instead of getting the steamed shrimp and broccoli, I ordered moo-shu chicken, which is mostly vegetables (cabbage, etc) with chicken, but I'm sure the oil and sodium was higher than recommended on the plan.

But, in full disclosure, there were a few bad choices I made.

• I ate a few brownie crumbs on Saturday. It probably added up to about a quarter of an actual brownie. Those "BLT's" (bites, licks, and tastes -- as my old weight-watchers leader called them) add up.  
• I had a few carrots at a birthday party I took L to on Sunday afternoon, with dip. I also let her feed me a tiny taste of ice cream cake
• I ate 3 or 4 chocolate chips on Sunday while the kids were making Hamentaschen
• I'm still guilty of taking random slices of cheese when I feel really hungry. This is a horrible habit and needs to stop. I know cheese is a trigger food and I should stay away from it, but right now it's kind of keeping me from going off the deep end.  

I can lie to myself, but the calories don't lie. I have to get it together.

I did go to the gym today and take a spin class and I felt really good afterwards. I have to remember the good parts that come along with being healthy and fit. It all has to mean more than a %*#@ piece of cheese!

So, in conclusion: I feel very weak. But I'm still here.


WEIGH IN STATS: Week 16
* Change this week: +0.5lbs
* Total change since day 1: -30.0lbs
* Total change since March 2014: -53.0lbs

Tired. So Tired.

Not much to say... I'm still here. I went to the doctor, and nothing is wrong in terms of my blood-work and my neck pain was just a muscle strain. I'm still going to make an appointment with an ENT to see if  they can figure out the reason for the tinnitus in my ear (I literally hear my heart beating in my head, which is making it even harder for me to sleep). So. I didn't get my "excuse" to go off plan, and I'm trying to get back into the grind. I took a spin class on Wednesday and felt GOOD. I have to remember that feeling.

Another week starts tomorrow... I spent today making hamentaschen that I won't be able to enjoy, watching my friends eat delicious desserts that I wasn't able to enjoy, and watching a room full of toddlers and their parents eat pizza and ice cream cake that I wasn't able to enjoy.

I know, I know.

I *can* enjoy them, but I'm *choosing* health instead.

Right?

Eh.

I'm cranky.

Hopefully a good weigh-in tomorrow will help.

WEIGH IN STATS: Week 15
* Change this week: -1.0lbs
* Total change since day 1: -30.5lbs
* Total change since March 2014: -53.5

Looking for a Reason

I haven't been feeling great lately. A lot of little things that just don't seem right, I might check in with my doctor, some of the things that are bothering me are not normal complaints (frequent headaches, a pain in the side of my neck, etc)

But it's funny how, when that part of my brain started saying things like "Maybe something is horribly, horribly wrong" and I started having scary visions of rare diseases and illnesses, one of the thoughts that actually entered my head was "Oh, but if I am actually sick, then I probably have a good excuse to go off plan and eat some normal food."

Now, I absolutely and 100% recognize how that is an unequivocally awful thing to think, not to mention put into writing. I don't take my health for granted and I know that there are people with debilitating and life-threatening illnesses that would gladly trade that for a slow metabolism and a bit of a weight problem.

But I still thought it.

I had a similar thought when I was dealing with a particular bout of depression and anxiety. I was driving by myself on a crowded highway at rush hour and I imagined getting into a car accident. I thought, "Hey, if I am in the hospital for a few days, I'll get a break from my life." That instead of me trying to take care of everybody else, people might actually be trying to take care of me.  It'd be like a vacation.

Awful, isn't it?

But those were my honest thoughts.

And these are my thoughts now...

I feel like I am looking for a compelling enough reason to "let" myself quit. Which is absolutely the wrong attitude to take on this journey. The desire to create health is not currently my motivator or I wouldn't be having these thoughts. There's definitely a fear of gaining weight and a fear of failure (yet again) that has kept me from derailing. But that's not going to be enough.

I'm probably going to call the doctor tomorrow and get to the bottom of this. Then, when it's hopefully nothing, I can remind myself what I'm trying to do.

For now, just getting through the day might have to be enough.

Musings of a Sick Mom

I've been sick since last Wednesday.  Then on top of that, L got a stuffy nose screamed for hours at a time both Friday and Saturday nights. I'm almost better, but it has definitely taken a toll on me.

I can deal with a day or two of feeling under the weather, but when I hit day 3 of feeling like my throat was on fire and starting to accumulate a sleep deficit -- I started to yearn for the comfort of fatty foods. I was actually having dreams of creamy soups, and sitting on the couch enjoying ice cream.

I also started to have some thoughts creep in like "You know, if you just gave in and had a little bit of pizza and ice cream, nobody would blame you." "It's TOTALLY understandable" and "You're only human"

It really took every ounce of strength not to give in. 

Especially because on Sunday, a friend of mine was celebrating his birthday with a wine tour in upstate NY. I decided not to call in a babysitting favor on this one, and to be honest, a big part of it was because of my nutrition goals. I mean, what's the point of going on a wine tasting tour if you can't have ANY WINE? I'm sure I could have cheated, but then I would have felt crappy about myself for a different reason. But it was hard to not think about everyone hanging out with lots of delicious food and drink while I was managing the children and dealing with the aftermath of my [seemingly] endless cold. I felt deprived, and I was really cranky when  my husband told me he wasn't even going to be home to help with bedtime.

But you know what? It's Monday now. And I lost 1.5 pounds this week.

Hell yeah.

WEIGH IN STATS: Week 14
* Change this week: -1.5lbs
* Total change since day 1: -29.5lbs
* Total change since March 2014: -52.5

Getting Lazy

So, I think I've been starting to get lazy. I haven't blogged in a week, which means that I haven't been terribly accountable. And I'm not just talking about food accountability, but mental and emotional accountability. I think I know by now that 90% of my food issues are mental.


There is exhaustion at play, and I just deleted a full paragraph of explanation, because it doesn't matter.  It doesn't explain what I can only describe as a combination of laziness and perhaps a bit of apathy. Cutting a few slices of cheese here..... an extra Popsicle there.... a few baby carrots at my friend's house with hummus. (Not the worst thing in the world, but not on-plan)

In the beginning when I was struggling with temptations, I was able to stop myself and say "Is this worth it?" and "Is this going to help me or make me feel better?" and "Do I really need to eat something right now?" I feel like right now I'm just blowing right past that and trying to get that temporary satisfaction in my stomach no matter what the cost.

Well here I am --- it didn't cost me numbers on the scale, but it cost me progress. It cost me momentum. I didn't let the program do its job because I let myself get in my own way.

I'm SO CLOSE to being able to wear the size 16 jeans again.  I have to remember that feeling when I want to eat a slice of cheese at night.


WEIGH IN STATS: Week 12
* Change this week: -1lbs  
* Total change since day 1: -28lbs
* Total change since March 2014: -51


WEIGH IN STATS: Week 13
* Change this week: 0lbs  
* Total change since day 1: -28lbs
* Total change since March 2014: -51

Scale Victory

I didn't weigh myself last week after the whole Superbowl thing, since I was feeling really negative and I didn't want to start myself on a downward spiral should the results match how I was feeling. So I have no idea how much damage (if any) I did that day, because I weighed myself as scheduled on Monday, and I was down 3 pounds over 2 weeks. That is solid progress.

As I wrote on my last entry, I have not been feeling great about things, or myself in general. I was not feeling productive, healthy, attractive, vibrant, or even like a terribly good mother this week. I went out to the supermarket to get something to cook for dinner, and I genuinely didn't want to go back home. A lot of "why bother" thoughts creeped in there. On Sunday, I was so unbelievably hungry at lunch time, I started snacking on the cheese, and before I knew it, I ate a good half a block of mozzarella (half a pound). I totally lost control.

For what it's worth, I talked to my coach, I got back on track  and I got through it. So I'm proud of myself for not giving up on the rest of the day (and myself), but I really need to come to terms with why that happened and what I can do to prevent it.

I keep going back to that feeling of self-doubt and hopelessness -- kind of like "Why bother, you're just going to mess up and gain everything back anyways, so you might as well enjoy the comfort of the food."

Lisa (my health coach) suggested writing down some reasons why it's worth "bothering". Here goes:
1) I want to set a good example for my children.
2) I may never have a body that other people envy, but I want to carry myself with confidence and pride that I have a healthy body.
3) I want to be able to have adventurous trips with my girls when they are old enough to really travel.
4) I want to be able to have adventures and fun trips with my husband and friends!
5) I don't want to be thinking about diabetes and heart disease in my 40's and 50's the way my father & grandparents did.  *** I know this is a negative, but it's important with my family history
6) I want to finish every meal satisfied and content, not bloated and fatigued.
7) I want to be able to trust myself to make healthy choices without feeling deprived and like it's "work". This will only happen if I truly change my habits, and not just "diet."

But then.... all of this goes back to the mission statement of this blog --- don't I believe that I deserve these things? Aren't they more important than the TEMPORARY comfort of food when I'm having a bad day?

I have always struggled (since childhood) with feeling like I'm a good person, worthy of happiness and friendship and love. And in a lot of places, I found those things. I am not lacking in some wonderful friends, a loving husband, healthy and [mostly] happy kids. But I constantly question if I'm good enough, and there are definitely people in my life who take advantage of that. I readily hand them power to weaken me, which I should be using it to make myself stronger

It's a work in progress, but I think recognizing that I need to change these things is an important step.

My self worth can't be defined by others.


WEIGH IN STATS: Week 11
* Change in 2 weeks: -3lbs  
* Total change since day 1: -27lbs
* Total change since March 2014: -50

Bad Habits and Negative Thoughts

I've been having a tough time this week, to be honest.  There HAS been some stress (R was sick on Monday, more pre-school drama, meetings, etc. disrupting my routine and precious gym time), but nothing outrageous.

But there are two things I feel I need to note about my behavior this week:

1) I've been snacking on cheese again. This was something that got out of control last time when I got frustrated. Since cheese technically is not off-plan and can count as a lean protein, it is something I knew I could take a nip of here and there and not feel like I was making a horrible decision --- especially in social situations. However, it is also a huge trigger food for me, I could pretty easily eat an entire 16oz block of mozzarella cheese without thinking twice.  Back in November/December, I was being really careful and was so conscious of my decisions --  I only allowed myself to have a bit of cheese if I knew that I had not fulfilled my protein for the day, and I even measured it on the scale.  By January, I was kind of eye-balling it, but was keeping track. This week? Ever since Superbowl Sunday, I've been actually going into the fridge, taking out the cheese, and cutting myself a slice... or two... or three. This is not good and needs to stop.


2) I've been feeling some boredom/fatigue with the medifast foods. For most of the time since November, I was not feeling deprived and I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about what I wasn't eating. But this week I've been thinking a lot of "Oh, what I wouldn't give to eat a nice sandwich" or "Mmmmm... those fries on the TV commercial look GOOD!" and "It would be so nice to go and share an ice cream with the family".

It seems so easy to just give up and relax and enjoy eating some carbs for a change. After all, it's only human to crave some comfort food. 

But there is a cost associated with it. The cost is that I derail myself from my goal of achieving a healthy weight.

Do I deserve that?

If I believe I do, then I have to be strong enough to realize that it's a more important goal than relaxing with a pint of Ben & Jerry's.

To be 100% honest... although I have not given in, right now the Ben & Jerry's sounds like a better deal. So I guess it's a work in progress. 

Focus, girl, focus!

Weekend of Questionable Choices

I don't feel good about this weekend.  I didn't do anything egregiously terrible or totally off-plan, but I don't feel that I made the best possible choices that I could have made, and I have a lot of anxiety/fear about what kind of damage I have done.  I still don't trust that my body/metabolism have any forgiveness for making slightly less-than-great choices.

Here is the gist of what went down:

• Saturday:  I had two "eating out" scenarios, so I decided to do a 4/2 (4 meal replacements and 2 lean/greens) and plan accordingly rather than get frustrated. 
• The first was an oneg lunch after Shabbat Services (our synagogue is auditioning for a new Rabbi). I ate a mixed salad (which had some fruits, like cranberries and a bit of mango, that I tried to eat around), some cucumber/tomato chopped salad with dill, a few small scoops of egg salad, and a few pieces of lox.  
• The second was my brother-in-law's 40th birthday dinner at a BBQ restaurant. I ordered a brisket platter that came with 2 sides, of which I selected a side salad, and seasoned green beans.
• After dinner, one of my absolute favorite chocolate fudge layer cakes was served for dessert. I went downstairs after the singing was over so I wasn't tempted. While down there, my brother-in-law's sister (who really could *not* be any skinnier) informed me that she's on a diet because she hasn't lost all of her "baby weight". I guess there's no hope for us mere mortals, huh? ;-)
• While these weren't inherently terrible off-plan choices on the surface, I started to stress about them later. The dressing in the salad at the synagogue? Probably had some sugar. I tried to avoid the fruit in the salad, but I probably some. The lox? Fatty. The egg salad? Full of mayo -- also fatty.  The brisket? VERY fatty, and doused in BBQ sauce which was probably loaded with sugar.  I was filled with a lot of anxiety at the end of the day. Did I totally screw up? Did I knock myself out of fat burn? Am I going to be back over 200lbs as quickly as I left it?
• Sunday: Our 10th (Yes, 10th!) Annual Puppybowl/Superbowl party. Which meant lots of snacks, treats, you name it. I decided that after New Year's Eve, I wanted to prove to myself that I can stay on plan in a social situation loaded with lots of junk food. But my confidence was not high. I was snippy with my husband all morning, and while he might have deserved half of it, the other half was definitely me feeling nervous and edgy about this situation and how I was going to remain strong.
• I generally stayed on plan. I prepared a cheesy spaghetti squash casserole (which a few people tried and enjoyed). I had medifast for snack & dessert. 
• One of my friends brought chicken wings that were boiled, and then seasoned and baked -- not fried! So I had a few (or several) without the buffalo sauce (which I'm not a fan of anyways). My other friend made a Cheesy Chili Mexican dip. While I did not have any tortilla chips, I did take several spoonfulls of the dip on its own. I probably ate more of that than I should have.
• I am guilty of eating one and a half M&M's, as well as a few tiny crumbs of brownie and a few crumbs of ginger snap cookies. I know these bites add up.

My coach suggested I skip the scale tomorrow, and I think that's probably a good idea.  While I'm not exactly thrilled at my less-than-stellar choices, I'm most upset that I let myself feel weak and out of control. I went INTO the situation feeling on shaky ground, which was almost a self-fulfilling prophesy.

While I wasn't perfect (far from it), I hate that the second I acknowledge it, I'm immediately filled with this fear that I have ruined everything beyond repair. I have to believe that for all that I struggled today, that it was still better than had I just said "Screw it!" and ate everything in sight.  But will the scale and the fit of my pants punish me?

I'm going to sign up to take a spin class tomorrow, and hopefully kick some ass and work off the negative energy.  I have to be able to forgive myself and have a LITTLE faith in my body. We're a team.... right?

Staying Positive when there's no reason to be Negative

I was actually somewhat excited to step on the scale this morning. I feel pretty good, and despite all the stresses last week, I made good health choices.

When it went down only 0.5lbs, to be honest, I was kinda dissapointed. 

There are some things that might have impacted it -- namely I had Chinese food on Saturday night and that can be a lot of sodium (a.k.a. water retention), but I have to take things at face value. As much as our bodies ARE machines in a lot of ways, there are a lot of reasons on a given week that you can do everything right, and still not see the scale move.   There's a reason we often try to talk about non-scale victories.

I was excited to step on the scale because I FELT GOOD. That's a victory.  I'm not quite back into the size 16 pants again, but I had a concert on Sunday afternoon and the pants that were tight in November, were definitely a lot looser. That's a victory.  I may not be feeling full of pride about my body, but I certainly don't feel ashamed anymore. Victory. I got to the gym this morning, and I can probably get there at least once more on Wednesday, which is an improvement over last week. Victory.

I'm not giving up.

Victory.


WEIGH IN STATS: Week 9
* Change this week: -0.5lbs
* Total change since day 1: -24lbs
* Total change since March 2014: -47

Checking in

Yeah, I dropped the ball on blogging this week.  As much as I complain about being super busy and exhausting, this week just took everything into overdrive. But I am happy to say that my health journey is still on track, and I made some good choices along the way.  Here come the bullet-point list of highlights...

• Pre-school Drama: L's preschool nearly tripled in size this year due to a local YJCC that closed unexpectedly over the summer.  The culture between the schools are very different, and many of the original parents have concerns about changes to the hours, pricing, staffing, etc that have taken place. To put it simply, a group of 10 of us have been writing letters, meeting with executive staff at the synagogue, and just in general spending a LOT of hours and time trying to connect to the right people to get a good resolution. It's been mentally and physically exhausting, and has sucked up an enormous amount of time in my week.
• Monday: No gym because I was volunteering at L's pre-school for TuB'Shevat (A lesser-known Jewish holiday celebrating the earth, the kids refer to it as celebrating the birthday of the trees). I helped the kids plant parsley and watched them play and giggle.  However, the real excitement was after I picked up L at the end of the day, and my car wouldn't start.  I am thankful for a few things:
• Caring parents at L's school, one of whom offered to take L back to her house, which I graciously accepted. L had a great afternoon playing with her friend
• Caring parents at R's school, one of whom took R back to her house after school to play.
• That I had a stash of Medifast snacks/bars in the car, because I certainly wasn't expecting to spend all afternoon at the school.
• That it ultimately wound up being just the battery, and nothing else major was wrong with the car.
• Tuesday: I knew the gym wasn't happening this week, so I got a little physical activity in on the treadmill when L was "napping" (I use that term loosely).  I think the physical activity is helping and I don't want to lose my momentum!
• Wednesday: No gym because I had my annual checkup at the good old GYN office, followed by one of the aforementioned synagogue meetings (which did NOT go very well). I spent a lot of the day on the phone, and then had a rehearsal that night. The rehearsal actually calmed me down a bit. Quite literally, the Mozart effect. 
• Thursday: I spent part of the morning touring another preschool (just in case), and then a lot of the rest of the day on the phone with other parents and writing letters. I went to bed close to 11:30, and within 15 seconds of my head hitting the pillow, L started screaming bloody murder in her crib. She had a bit of a stuffy nose (nothing else was wrong) and was just freaking out. I understand it's uncomfortable, but there's no rationalizing with a 2 year old about these kinds of things. I tried everything, including taking her into my bed (which I never do) and laying down on the floor next to her crib. It was a long night.
• Friday: I spent almost every free moment on the phone, including filling in some other people at the synagogue about what's been going on. I think we are in a good place to get a good resolution, but it has left me drained and exhausted. Plus, I had a rehearsal. UGH.

So yeah, it's been a rough week. But I had no major deviations from the plan. Still on track for health.. I hope!

WEIGH IN STATS: Week 8
* Change this week: -2lbs
* Total change since day 1: -23.5lbs
* Total change since March 2014: -46.5

Perspective

So, last night wasn't a great night for me. I was frustrated and hungry and I cut myself a few slices of mozzarella cheese, which is definitely at trigger food for me (cheese in general). I know I overdid the protein that day, and I felt kind of guilty about it.  I should know better by now. As I was slicing it, I was thinking about how stupid I was being. But I didn't stop.

I really want to get to the gym all 3 of the days L is in pre-school, but it's been really hard to fit it in, and I don't mean that in the "excuse to not go to the gym" kind of way.  My weeks have been filled with volunteering at schools, doctor's appointments, and holidays. I WANT to go the gym and that is a good thing. I really enjoy the spin instructor that teaches on Mondays and Wednesdays, and I like getting in the pool and swimming laps. And most of all, I love that feeling when I'm done that I've accomplished something. You know, that brief moment where I feel like a certifiable healthy person.

So, I was able to get to the gym today (since Monday was a holiday, and I'm volunteering on Friday), and I took a spin class with that teacher I like a lot. I pushed myself hard, and I felt good. I went to the supermarket and got some fruit for the kids and some salmon to cook up later in the week. Then while on line, I pulled out my phone and I saw something on my newsfeed on Facebook that shook me up.

I saw a post tagging a former coworker of mine from her husband. It read that she had finally lost her battle with depression and took her own life yesterday.  He wrote "I just wish I could have helped her want to hang on. She tried, she really did."

I didn't know her terribly well -- she lived in California and I corresponded with her on a few projects -- I found her smart and funny.  I knew she had some health issues, and struggled with raising an autistic son. So, while any normal person would consider this sad, why did it hit me so hard? Suicide is a big trigger for me, because I've fought with depression my whole life. Another former coworker messaged me about it in case I didn't know, and she told me that she had trouble understanding what depression feels like.

I tried to explain the saying "Depression Lies". She asked me if it was like a voice in my head, and I said the following:

"No, but you genuinely feel like you're worthless, or that the world is better without you. 
Your brain is just in a place where it's so easy to believe it. 
And you can rationalize it in a million ways.
So you believe it.
And anyone else telling you it's not true, they seem like liars"

The thing is, I've never been hopeless enough that I ever hurt myself, but I've definitely contemplated it before. I have genuinely thought that the world would be better without me, and that the people around me would be happier if they didn't have to deal with me.  But I guess I clung to the small chance that maybe I was wrong and things would get better.  She wasn't able to do that, and I'm so sad. I wish I knew she was suffering so that I could have tried to help.

So, I guess I have a bit of perspective now, since the worst part of my day yesterday was making a few bad eating decisions.  That I was a little tired, and maybe a bit frustrated with my husband. I have to keep my head up and think of all the potential for tomorrow, and the days and months that come after that. I'm just sad that my casual friend from California isn't alive to see what a beautiful day it might be.

Getting Results

We talk a lot about non-scale-victories on TSFL, and I think I've had a few. I went to the gym (ON A WEEKEND) yesterday and did a little swimming while R was in Hebrew school, for example.

But it's nice to celebrate some scale-victories too.

Today I weighed in and not only did the scale go down, but it was under 200lbs for the first time since, probably, the summer. I was afraid I might not see a number like that again.  I went to the doctor's office (for an unrelated issue) and they didn't have to slide that 50lb marker up to 200.

I have to remember this good feeling because I know how fragile it is. There is no school today, so my sister came over with her 3 kids, and all 5 cousins baked and decorated cupcakes together. I'd be lying if I said that my cake-batter and/or frosting covered finger didn't wind up in my mouth from time to time. I have to be careful, and if my results slow down this week, I probably have something to point to.

I HAVE been feeling a bit more hungry the past day or two. I get scared about breaking fat burn any time I have a slight transgression, but I'm wondering if maybe the extra physical exercise is impacting it a bit. I guess time will tell because if I keep losing weight, then I know I'm still in fat-burn.

I am making a baked ziti for the kids (and carbohydrate-eating adults) tonight, and I prepared a cheesy spaghetti squash casserole dish for myself (and whoever else wants it). I restocked on zuchini and lettuce and cucumbers and all that other veggie goodness for the week.  I've got this!

WEIGH IN STATS: Week 7
* Change this week: -2lbs
* Total change since day 1: -21.5lbs
* Total change since March 2014: -44.5

Only a Dream..

So, the other night I had a pretty vivid dream about being stressed out and around a bunch of tempting foods, mainly desserts as far as I can remember.  Someone in the dream was like  "It's ok, you're in a stressful situation -- have a <insert fatty/sugary snack here>" and I said something like "You know what? You're right. I am stressed." and ate the bad food.

I woke up and I realized I didn't do it. But I was kinda pissed off at my subconscious for cheating. And it scares me a bit because I always feel like I'm one bad decision from erasing all of the good that I've done. It's a really slippery slope for me.

Today was a bit of a challenge. I attended the Sisterhood Shabbat at the synagogue with R (My husband took L to a birthday party), and afterwards was a pretty big oneg lunch following the service. Lately they have been hiring Fairway to do the catering (since they do kosher catering) and it is DELICIOUS. I didn't really plan on eating anything, but they did have some low-carb options -- namely a green salad, a cucumber/tomato salad, lox (hey, it's salmon), and some whitefish/egg salad.

It wasn't perfect. The salad was in a vinaigrette dressing that tasted a bit sweet (there was some fruit, mango I think on top, but I mostly avoided that), the lox was fatty, and the egg/whitefish salad probably had a TON of mayonnaise in it.  But there were a lot of things I didn't give a second glance at --- namely the fruit and dessert trays, the bagels, the quiches, and the noodle kougel. Ok, I lied, I looked at the noodle kougel twice (I LOVE sweet noodle kougel), but I didn't touch it.

Aside from today, I've been pretty good this week, but I noticed a few habits creeping back like stealing an extra bite of cheese, a few extra tomatoes when I was cooking, etc..  

I made it to the gym twice this week, 2 spin classes. I pushed myself harder on the second one, and it felt good! The spin bikes have monitors that record wattage, RPM, and speed which gives you something to measure yourself against.  Plus I helped my brother-in-law move a couch today, which was more of an ordeal than it should have been. All good things for my health journey.

So I'll celebrate the victory that I handled the situation better than I could have, but I really have to be more careful in the future.  I can't let my guard down because then the progress slows and the frustration builds. I've seen it happen to myself again and again. The size 16 jeans ALMOST fit. I can get them on, but they are not comfortable. That is my next goal. I want to be wearing those jeans again!

Relief

The scale went down.  Noticeably.

My reaction?

THANK GOD.

I was nervous stepping on the scale for the first time in a while. I knew that I did well this week. I went to the gym twice, I didn't cheat -- there was no reason the scale shouldn't reflect it, but I was still scared.

Lisa asked me why I think I felt that way, and I told her that I didn't trust my body. She pointed out that I often talk about my body like it's a separate entity from the rest of me, like it's a "third party that does its own thing, independent of [my] thoughts and actions".

I guess sometimes it feels that way though. Like my body isn't playing for the same team as me -- I want to lose weight, it wants to cling to every last ounce of fat.  I want to be able to forgive myself and move on from a transgression, it wants to not only stop my progress, but reverse it.  My body feels like it has no flexibility, no forgiveness, no room for error. It seems to fight me every step of the way.

As I said in my last post, I know that complaining won't change my metabolism, or my body's response to unhealthy foods (in any quantity or frequency). It sucks, and it isn't fair, but there are a lot of things that don't suck about my body.  I am otherwise a healthy person, free of major diseases and ailments.  I'm sure there are women struggling with cancer who would love to instead be struggling with something as trivial as their weight.  I have to keep that perspective, and I have to take ownership of my body and make it work for me. It answers to ME.

So, this morning, I dragged my body to the gym and took another spin class. I'm starting to get re-acclimated to spinning and it feels less intimidating. Healthy habits feel GOOD. Maybe I can convince my body to join my team after all.


WEIGH IN STATS: Week 6
* Change this week: -3.5lbs
* Total change since day 1: -19.5lbs
* Total change since March 2014: -42.5

Frustration & Musings

 I'm going to go bullet point style again because my thoughts are all over the place.

• So, as you can see from the stats below, my results did not match my optimism from my last entry. Not only was I unable to hold my weight, but I GAINED 2.5 pounds. That's a lot more than I was expecting. I knew that water retention could be a factor, but since I was back on plan for 3 days before stepping on the scale, I was hoping water wouldn't be at play. and I'd at least break even.
• To be honest, I am pretty annoyed. My body really has no forgiveness. Most people can have one "off" day and recover from it, but my body decides to pack on 2.5 pounds? Just for a few hours of off-plan indulgence? What gives? It really isn't fair.
• Unfortunately, whining about how unfair it is will not help matters. My body is the body I have, and I should be thankful that it is otherwise functional and healthy. Yes, my metabolism sucks. But it is metabolizing. And I have to work with it. I'm trying to cling to the positive that I've been able to bounce back, mentally, and I'm on track. Unsuccessful people complain about the circumstances they can't change, successful people adapt to them.
• To clarify, I'm more annoyed than upset, if that makes sense. It's still frustrating (maddening almost), but I made a choice. I have to own it. I refuse to allow myself to feel mental anguish over it.
• I went to the gym twice this week (HUZZAH!). It would have been 3, but I felt really off on Wednesday, including some dizziness, and I spent the entire morning (and part of the afternoon) sleeping. But I pushed myself harder than I have at the gym -- I took spin classes both Monday & Friday. They are not easy for me, and I know I'm not performing at the level the instructor is encouraging us to be at, but you've got to start somewhere. 
• Eating nutritiously and exercising feels a HELL of a lot better than being bloated and gassy after a big meal of heavy, unhealthy food. I have to remember that and constantly remind myself. (That's what a journal is for, right?)

WEIGH IN STATS: Week 5
* Change this week: +2.5lbs
* Total change since day 1: -16lbs
* Total change since March 2014: -39

New Year, New Atttidue

Okay, so I'm pretty exhausted, but I need to write about New Year's Eve.  I'm going to try to bullet-point my thoughts.

• GOOD: I did not eat anything off-plan until mid-afternoon on New Year's Eve, shortly before the guests arrived. Last year I'm pretty sure I let the entire day go because I figured it was a loss anyways.
• NOT SO GOOD:  I was not mindful of what I was eating and I went overboard with the appetizers. It's easy to just grab "one more chip" or "one more mini hot dog", "one more piece of chocolate", or "one more sweet meatball".  I knew dinner (and dessert) was coming, but I kept on eating.
• GOOD and NOT SO GOOD: My stomach was not happy with me. I had that overstuffed feeling, and I felt bloated and gassy most of the later part of the evening and into the next morning.  So "NOT SO GOOD" because nobody likes to feel that way, but "GOOD" because I had a tangible feeling of discomfort that I did NOT enjoy.  I certainly don't want this to become a habit.
• GOOD: I did not eat too much at dinner. Maybe because I was stuffed full of appetizers....
• GOOD: I did not have too much dessert. Even though that's the part I was looking the most forward to, my stomach was crying "oh dear god, no more food!" and I mostly listened to it. I took small tastes of each thing, and I enjoyed them. THIS is how I meant to handle the appetizers. Just a little taste is fine. I need to work on drilling that into my brain. Work in progress.
• GOOD: I think this is the most important part. The next morning, I had a choice. I could let myself go for another day. There was a TON of leftover food, including cookie cake, chocolate cookies, sugar cookies -- as well as fresh challah rolls from the Rockland Bakery with cream cheese and lox.  I really wanted to.  That's what I did the year before -- I let the next morning go, which turned into the whole day. But in all honesty -- I was still feeling full from the prior evening. As much as I LOVE challah, and lox, none of that food was going to make me feel good. I hemmed and hawed about it on the inside for a long while. Honestly -- I thought about what I'd have to write on this blog to justify my decision to knowingly "cheat" for one more day.  In the end? I decided it wasn't worth it. I needed to contain the damage and get back on track. I did it. I felt OK with it. Drank a lot of water and ate a medifast bar late in the morning. 
• GOOD: We gave away a LOT of the leftovers. Some to my friends to take home, some to my parents. We put the uneaten candy/chocolate in a bag and we will serve it when our friends come over again in early February for our annual Superbowl/Puppybowl party.  Even D (husband) agreed that getting rid of the temptation was a good thing for both of us.
• NOT SO GOOD: I had a splitting headache a lot of Friday and had trouble sleeping.
• GOOD: D let me sleep almost all morning on Saturday. I am tired, but I feel better. My hunger levels aren't quite as stable as they will be in fat-burn, but I'm getting there.

So, I see a lot more GOOD than NOT SO GOOD. That's pretty good, right?

I'm proud of myself. I was able to make a conscious choice (for one night) to let myself enjoy the food-part of the social world, while remaining accountable for my choice and immediately refocusing on health the next day. I don't know what the scale will show on Monday, but I'm cautiously optimistic that I'll see a neutral number. Maybe it won't go down, but hopefully it won't go up. And if it does, I will try to see the positive in the situation and look at it as a test. Will I let a number knock me off track? Or will I regroup my concentration and strength and kick some ass next week....