Days 26-29: Fear of the Cheat

So, Friday was Christmas, which means my husband's family (his parents & his uncle) came over to have dinner. This was a tradition upheld by his late grandmother, who always used to have everyone over on December 25th to celebrate Channukah, no matter how Channukah actually fell on the English calendar. The reason was simple: "Everybody is off". She passed away around Labor Day this year, my in-laws do not have a great setup for hosting larger numbers of people (and especially kids), so I happily volunteered to take over the tradition.

I also thought it would be nice to try to cook some of the similar Jewish comfort foods that D's grandmother used to prepare, not all of which are grossly unhealthy. So I made brisket, roasted chicken, fresh latkes, and green beans. So, let the record show that we are up to *4* (yes, that's FOUR) batches of latkes I made, and four batches of latkes of which I did not partake a single one! And yet I'm still here to tell the tale. Taste is fleeting, right?

For dessert, I excused myself for that portion of the meal to work on the dishes and cleanup in the kitchen, which was a good strategy. However, I had a small moment of weakness when cleaning up; I grabbed a tiny piece of rugulah that broke off on the serving plate, and a tiny nip of a piece of chocolate babka cake that was left on my daughter's plate. It wasn't THAT much, but it was enough that I started to mentally torture/punish myself.

It started with some thoughts like: "Now, if I don't lose weight this week, THIS IS PROBABLY WHY!"

Then it got more negative as I started to think: "CRAP, my body has no forgiveness for this kind of thing.", "I'm probably out of fat burn all because of a bite of babka", "I might have screwed myself up. It hasn't even been a month" and "Uh oh, this is the beginning of the end, I'm going to stop losing weight and then it's only a few steps away from me getting fed up and completely falling off the wagon again and gaining 50 pounds."

In other words, I took a tiny bite of a dessert that I probably shouldn't have, and I talked myself into having gained back all the weight I lost, and then some, in the course of 5 minutes. Amazing how we can be our own worst enemy that way, right?

Looking back, I think there's some good and some bad here.

The good: I'm aware of what I'm eating. I'm aware of the choices I make and the impact they may have. I can't tell my body to "look the other way" at a transgression. Our bodies are machines in a lot of ways, and they react to what we put into them (literally and figuratively). TSFL is the sum of its parts, and even the tiniest nibbles (or, as weight watchers used to call them, "BLT's -- bites, licks and tastes") can add up, turn into a bad habit, and derail my progress. Being AWARE of this is important. Crucial, even.

The other good thing is that I did NOT eat any more cake, I did NOT eat any cookies, and I stayed on plan the rest of the night. My mind might have gone to a dark place, but I did not act on it. I reigned it in and controlled it from there.

The bad: I was feeling fear which was quickly devolving into negativity, self-loathing, and a lot of doom and gloom that was going to do me NO good.  I named this blog "Deserving Health" because I have to know that I deserve to be healthy, and I have to be able to forgive myself and stay positive no matter what. I can't allow my mind to sabotage myself into a self-fulfilling prophesy of failure.

The funny thing? After all that, I still lost 2.5 pounds this week.  And it wasn't for lack of stress or temptations -- I ate dinner out on Saturday night, we took both girls to a birthday party in Queens on Sunday, and today we took a trip to the Museum of Natural History in NYC. Aside from some parking drama (Oh, NYC, never change...), I did a lot of things right.

I wrote above about TSFL being the sum of its parts. I have to remember that a whole lot of good minus a tiny bit of bad, still equals a heck of a lot of good.  The key is to be able to look that tiny piece of bad in the face, push it away, and drown it out with so much good that it isn't even a blip on the radar anymore.

This past week? I did GOOD.

WEIGH IN STATS: Week 4
* Change this week: -2.5lbs
* Total change since day 1: -18.5lbs
* Total change since March 2014: -41.5

Days 24-25: The Mythological Gym

So, yesterday I reintroduced myself to the mythological wonder... the mysterious location that I kept hearing the preschool moms with nannies and/or no babies talk about. The place that never seemed within my reach. That's right, I made it to the GYM.

I went for a good swim, and it felt good. I joined at the end of the summer and it's certainly not the first time I've been there, but it is the first time since restarting TSFL.  I know swimming isn't as intense as a class like SPIN or Zumba even, but I love being in the water, and I'm still somewhat sleep deprived, so I wanted to start small.

It was a half day for R, so I had both girls all afternoon and they were mostly good. R played with Legos while L took a nap (and actually SLEPT), and aside from the craziness during the witching hour before dinner, it wasn't too bad of a day. I made everyone quesadillas and I fell back to my spiralized zucchini saute that I talked about last week.

This morning R and L had a playdate with old pre-school friends who had not yet seen the new house. I purposely ate a chewy bar right before they arrived so I wouldn't be hungry. Good thing because they brought donuts! I made the kids fruit & mini pizza bagels for lunch and they had the donuts for dessert. I didn't even blink at them. Rebecca offered me a tiny bit and I kinda took a nibble and slipped the rest into the garbage can.

Tonight we are taking the kids to see Star Wars. I think the plan is to have an early dinner (4/4:30ish) because the movie starts at 6. We probably won't get home until 9/9:30ish.  I had my third meal replacement around 1PM, so I'm going to try to hold off until the early dinner, leaving 2 meal replacements for afterwards (one during the movie, and one for later at home). I don't want to get super-hungry later.  Planning. I gotta plan!

Tomorrow my in-laws are coming over, we always get together on Christmas and do some Channukah stuff no matter how Channukah falls, because "Everybody is off". I am planning to cook a brisket, chicken, green beans, and make some fresh latkes. I know I'll be fine. I've got this.

New Year's Eve Dilemma

I am looking forward to the wind-down of the holiday season, but with that comes New Year's Eve, which I have been putting off discussing.

Just to give some history/back-story: I don't have an enormous social circle -- I'm somewhat socially awkward and never really been someone that people naturally gravitate to for friendship and companionship. I also harbor some trust issues going back to adolescence; it is hard for me to believe that people want to be friends with me for me, and likewise that I am worthy of their love & friendship. When I meet new people, I have a tendency to either push too hard (and therefore come across as needy/over-dramatic) or just fade into the background of people with more magnetic personalities. It's always a struggle for me to make new friends.

That said, I do have a handful of close friends, some going back as far as elementary school. Even though we don't all live in the same area anymore, we are close enough that we can usually get together once a month (give or take) as a group, and the highlight has always been the New Year's Eve party. We host it at our house, we share delicious food that we all prepare, drink, play games, make fun of the "musicians" the kids are listening to these days, watch the ball drop, and generally have a good time. And we do it kid-free!

I'd be lying if I said that food wasn't a big part of what I look forward to. Yes, the friends, and the company are the MOST important, but the food (which everyone contributes to) is a lot of the fun too. I'm struggling on how to get this thought across without sound like I'm trying to rationalize the 'cheat' that will ultimately lead to yet another downfall.  But I really want to enjoy this time with my friend AND enjoy the food too. And I don't think that makes me a weak person, I think it makes me an honest one.

I know that my coach, while she acknowledges that I am free to make my own choices, doesn't think this is a great idea for me. She's seen me fall apart in the past -- I have an unforgiving metabolism and even one evening off-plan is likely to do some damage on the scale.  I do not have a good history of forgiving myself for mistakes and being able to get myself back on track.  With such delicate confidence, there's a slippery slope at play.  I know she (and in a way, myself) would much rather see a success story that I didn't go off plan, that I was able to ignore all that delicious food, eat my chocolate crunch bar, and find all of my joy & satisfaction from the company of my friends.

But I really want to enjoy this day, food included.  I want to tackle this day as I would imagine myself celebrating New Year's eve at a healthy & fit 140lbs --  not a binge, but a rare treat where I can let down my guard a little bit and [carefully] enjoy some of my favorite decadent foods, with the willpower and strength of mind to realize that I don't have to have to devour everything in sight. I want to feel satisfied - not stuffed. I want to plan what I will eat ahead of time, not eat mindlessly. Everything I put in my mouth should be a choice, made from a place of honesty and accountability. It SHOULD be mostly about sharing the evening with my friends, but there's nothing wrong with sharing some of the food as well, so long as I can acknowledge and mitigate the consequences.

So, when the scale ultimately shows that I didn't lose anything, or worse, that maybe I gained a pound or so, I want to have the strength of mind to realize that this was a result of a conscious choice, and that I have the power and control to fix it.  That I am not a victim of my own metabolism and my own lack of self-control. That I am NOT helpless.

So, I guess I have more-or-less rationalized going off-plan for New Year's Eve.  But the reality is, along this journey, I know that I am going to make mistakes again. Perhaps part of my problem was that I went so long WITHOUT making a mistake, that when I finally did, I didn't know how to recover.  I'd rather make this choice willingly and use it as a test of my strength and focus to come back, than to spend one of my favorite days of the year feeling deprived and weak, and then possibly making poor choices out of self-loathing and frustration.

I can do this.

I am strong enough.

I am not a victim.

I am not helpless.

Days 21-23: May the Force be With Me

Let's run down the past few days, shall we?

Sunday:

• Big day for R! After Hebrew School she got her ears pierced. She was nervous and cried a little, but she did it and couldn't stop admiring herself when it was over. 
• Ear Piercing was celebrated with a trip to the food court where R and her big cousin got Frosty's from Wendy's. The mall was a mob scene (Sunday before Christmas) so I snagged a table while everyone ordered (serving the double benefit of me not having to see/smell all the fried food), and I stood while everyone ate (I was looking around the room instead of staring at the kids eating ice cream)
• We had Chinese food takeout for dinner at my parents' house. I had steamed shrimp with broccoli -- with the brown sauce on the side. I've previously gotten the garlic sauce, but it is VERY sweet so I can only imagine the carb content there. I figured the brown sauce was safer. I had some of my brother-in-law's mooshu chicken, which is mostly vegetable (cabbage), but I recognize that it is sauteed in oil so I only had a little bit.
• After the kids were in bed, I went to see "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" with my husband, sister, brother-in-law. Before the movie they all purchased candy at Target: Rasinets, M&M's, and chocolate covered nuts.  I brought my Cinnamon Pretzels and a bottle of water. I was fine. It helps that I was excited about the movie and riveted the entire time!

Monday:

• Sunday night into Monday morning was awful. Although she made not a peep while my mother was babysitting, L has been fighting a cold and started waking up in the middle of the night miserable. Long story short, after multiple wake-ups, I wound up rocking her in my arms on the floor of her room, and then later I got her into the crib, but was laying on the floor with my hand through the slats of her crib so she knew I was still there. I think I snuck out and back into my own bed around 5:15AM. 
• I forgot to weigh myself. Honestly, I'm impressed I was able to dress myself. 
• After dropping off the kids at school, I went home and slept. I had planned to go the gym, but I could barely see straight. Sorry, gym. I know I'm making excuses, but I think less-than 2 hours of sleep was a justified one.
• The rest of the day was busy, but uneventful, food-wise.  

Tuesday:

• Weigh in was a loss of 3lbs! Considering the stress and lack of sleep I was dealing with, combined with birthday parties and movie temptations, that is HUGE. I'm proud of myself. WIN.
• Did a trial of a Mommy & Me Gymnastics class with L. She LOVED it, and even took a great nap afterwards. WIN and WIN. 
• We baked Christmas cookies with our next-door neighbors. I did not have any. And they DID smell delicious. WIN.
• So yes, a lot of WIN. Other than the sleep.... I'm still losing that battle...

WEIGH IN STATS: Week 3
* Change this week: -3lbs
* Total change since day 1: -16lbs
* Total change since March 2014: -39

Day 20: Birthday Party Fun

Today was R's 6th birthday party. It was a Bounce Party, which means controlled chaos. It went very well, just a lot of children flying (literally) in nearly every direction.  I was almost too busy to think about food -- in fact I actually forgot my meal replacements in the car, and my husband was kind enough to go and grab them for me.  I honestly didn't feel like I was missing out on the pizza, ice cream cake, or muffins.  I was busy, and I was good.

Back at the house, a few close friends & family came back to the house. My mother prepared a huge spread of deli cold-cuts, salad, potato/macaroni/cole-slaw salads, eggs, cheese, etc. -- and of course, fresh bread and rolls from the local bakery.  I made myself a salad with a little grilled chicken, some hard boiled egg whites, and had a few slices of low-fat swiss cheese. This was lunch, and I don't usually do my Lean/Green for lunch, but it felt right.

I just had my last meal replacement, and I still feel pretty good. This was a good day, health wise.

There are still dying embers of the drama that flared up. They really bothered me and made me feel crummy. I'm having a hard time letting these things roll off my back.  But at least they are not rolling into the refrigerator :)

Day 18-19: Anxiety and Looking Forward

Yesterday was a tough day. The family drama continued all day, trickling in via text messages. I was feeling sick to my stomach for most of it, with a lot of anxiety as I keep checking my phone to see what was happening next.

However, I continued to not be tempted by food. I didn't even THINK about eating food for comfort. Maybe that was partially because I was so physically and mentally drained, and yet still had to keep two young people alive. I'm not sure. But before I knew it, it was dinner time and I had only eaten 3 meal replacements.  So, I think the anxiety was a big factor, plus being super-busy, but I'm still claiming it a huge personal victory that not only did I avoid turning to food, I didn't even THINK about food.

I'm feeling a bit better today, but there is still a bit pit in my stomach. The drama died down, but I still feel like a lot of it is unresolved, and what HAS been resolved was at my expense with little/no upside. I feel like a lot was taken out of me, but not my health goals. And that is important.

I wanted to write about New Year's Eve, but I'm just too zonked tonight. I will try to capture that soon, I promise!

Days 16-17: Drama, Drama, Drama

The most eventful thing about yesterday (Tuesday) was that my back was KILLING me from the raking I did on Monday.  Took R for her 6-year-checkup, ate dinner pretty late, but I managed to cook a quick shrimp/veggie egg-fritata-thingie.  I did nibble on some cheese (while cooking) when I shouldn't have. This is one of my more difficult foods to handle because it's technically on-plan in terms of being a protein, but it's something I can easily over-do. I've been good about making sure many of my other trigger foods are NOT IN THE HOUSE (like chocolate chips), but cheese is tricky. 

Today (Wednesday) I've been feeling more hungry than usual, and I'm wondering if I knocked myself out of fat burn because of the cheese. I'm hoping not, I wasn't THAT off tomorrow, but I'm trying to reign that in before it gets out of hand.

Speaking of out-of-hand, there was family drama today. It was very upsetting.

I can't change this.

I can't change the fact that the rest of the family is so chronically afraid of conflict that I am [by default] told that *I* have to accept responsibility (no matter what) and be the one to fix it.

It bothers me a lot, though.  Especially because I know I am not the kind of person I am being painted as. I've always had a problem with caring too much what people think of me, and that includes family.

It hurts me that my family always takes my feelings for granted because they know I'll always come back and be the "bigger person"

I'm still hurting a lot right now, but the one thing I haven't done is turn to food to fix the problem. I stayed on plan, and I'm ok.  L (2.5year-old) was a terror tonight. I joked to myself that maybe this was karma for being such a horrible horrible horrible family member.  (I'm only half kidding)

But I didn't eat my problems. 

Food will not make this better.

Days 11-15: Nutcracker sans Nuts (or Crackers)

I'm not sure I have any readers other than my health coach (Hi Lisa!) but life has been hectic. Here's a run-down on my week:

Thursday, December 10th:

• R (5-year-old) had another half-day of school due to parent-teacher conferences, so a friend of hers came over to play with her two sisters.  When I drove R to dance class I realized that I had neglected to buy a dessert for her to bring to school for her birthday celebration, so I stopped off at the supermarket to get cupcakes. 
• Since it was the last day of dance for Rebecca before the holidays, plus it was both her birthday and a friend of hers who is in dance class, I also bought some doughnut holes to share with the girls in her class. They were those Entenmann's Pop-Ems kind.  I didn't think of this at the time, but those doughnut holes were part of the first "binge" I had off-plan from TSFL around Halloween of 2014. Maybe that wasn't the smartest choice.  They smelled SOO good that I could practically taste it. But I didn't have any. Take that, Entenmann's!
• I made more Latkes to bring into R's kindergarten class the next day.  In full disclosure, I did nibble on a few crumbs. That batch looked and smelled amazing. 

Friday, December 11th:

• Nutcracker Dress rehearsal, followed by the first performance.  They provided a buffet dinner which consisted of: Chicken Fingers, French Fries, Pasta Salad, Pizza, Hot dogs, Hamburgers, Salad, and Fudge Brownies.  As delicious as the food all looked and smelled, I was thankful for the salad, and ate a heaping plate of it (probably more than a cup and a half, so sue me!)
• Yes, it was full-fat, full-carb ranch dressing. But I still think, all things considered, this was a victory. I didn't even take a crumb of that brownie and I think I could have easily polished off an entire tray of them.
• It's amazing how doing something you love takes your mind off silly things like food. As exhausted as I was, it was so much fun. I got to make wonderful music with fantastic musicians, for an audience that truly appreciated our contribution to the ballet experience. 

Saturday, December 12th:

• R's 6th birthday! My husband let me sleep a bit. We relaxed in the morning, and then headed over to my parents'. Since it was also Channukah, we decided to celebrate R's birthday around lunchtime. This accomplished 2 things, because it allowed me to be there to sing her Happy Birthday with the family, and created a separation for Channukah so that the cousins getting presents didn't steal R's birthday thunder. 
• I ate my nacho puffs in the kitchen while everyone ate pizza in the dining room. That way I don't have to see the pizza (they got my favorite veggie kind!), and I didn't have the kids asking me what I'm eating and making comments about how "gross" it looks.
• After singing Happy Birthday, I didn't hang around for the cake eating. Just easier that way.
• Second performance of the Nutcracker, just as fun as the first.  

Sunday, December 13th:

• 2 Nutcracker performances. They provided lunch in between.  Buffet style meal included: Chicken Parm, Ziti, Garlic Bread, Salad, and Cookie-Squares. Again, I was thankful they had salad, full carb dressing and all.
• On a random note, is this really good food for dancers? I guess carbs = short term energy, so maybe?

Monday, December 14th:

• Weighed in to see the scale drop 4 pounds. I'll take it! I need to hang onto this feeling and the momentum. This program WORKS, but I have to stick to it 100%.  
• I was going to go back to the gym today for the first time in a few weeks, since I finally felt like I had some energy back. But I realized I had to finish raking the leaves. I was out there for 2.5 hours. That's exercise, right?! I have a huge blister on my hand to prove it...
• At Rebecca's piano lesson, the teacher had a dish of holiday Hershey kisses on the table. I was not tempted. (Well, maybe a little, but not in that obsessive "WHY OH WHY CAN'T I HAVE IT!" way).  I thought that was notable, a bit of a personal victory.
• I was originally going to make zucchini lasagna, but I found out I had to be somewhere and wouldn't have time to cook it. Instead, I spiraled the zucchini, and sauteed it on the stove with a little oil, some crushed garlic, and diced grape tomatoes. I then took a small mixture of mozzarella/ricotta/basil/salt/pepper, and kind of "folded it" into the middle. When I removed it from the stove, I sprinkled a tiny bit more mozzarella and Parmesan cheese. It was SO delicious. I think the garlic combined with the natural juices from the tomatoes and it was a teensy bit sweet. I'm definitely going to try to recreate this!

WEIGH IN STATS: Week 2
* Change this week: -4lbs
* Total change since day 1: -13lbs
* Total change since March 2014: -36

Day 10: The Cravings Stirke Back

Today was a bit tough. A lot of thoughts about the foods I want to eat, but are not conducive for my health goals.  And for whatever reason, I've felt particularly hungry today which is not helpful. A part of me is wondering if it's that tiny nip of potato latkes I ate yesterday. Is my body THAT sensitive to the carbs that I could have knocked myself out of fat burn because of one tiny slip-up? Maybe, maybe not. But either way, dwelling on it won't help.

At first, I started the top paragraph with the phrase "foods I want to eat, but can't."  But I heard my coach's voice in my head saying "You CAN have whatever you want. It's just whether or not that food will help or hurt your goals." The temptations are REAL and they are large this time of year. Lots of chocolate gelt, leftover latkes... friends talking about all their favorite holiday recipes and posting photos online. Lots of baking and decorating. And my sweet tooth is huge.  But are they more important than getting this damn weight off once and for all? Being healthy and happy and energetic? FOR ONCE in my ENTIRE life actually feeling proud of my body? Setting a good example for my children?

I said to my husband that I really wish that I could just be in a state of "health", not one extreme or another (losing weight vs. binging and overeating until I feel ill). I would love to be that person who could have a few tastes of a decadent dessert or a fatty fried latkes for the holiday and not eat the entire plate.  That person who can just make naturally healthy decisions without obsessing about food.  That person who STOPS eating when they are full, no matter how delicious the food is.

I'm not sure if I will ever be the person who can do it without thinking about it.  I will probably ALWAYS have to work at it.  But maybe the goal is that I can be someone who, at least, doesn't have to OBSESS about it? That I can look forward to events for the company I'll keep, not the food I'll eat?

This is a good segue for the New Year's Eve conversation. More on that soon...

Day 9: More Greasy Carbs on Parade

I don't have much to say today.... I'm wiped. But it was a pretty good day.

We shared Channukah with our next door neighbors -- they are Christian and the kids (6 and 2, very close in age to my girls) don't seem to have had much exposure (understandably so) to Jewish holidays. Part of this was a bit self-serving, because it is part of my strategy for navigating the Christmas-Envy of a minority religion. More specifically, I am trying to emphasize that we can share and appreciate other people's holidays, even if they are not our own traditions and beliefs.  While I don't believe it is appropriate to have any Christmas traditions practiced in our home, I don't want her to see Christmas as off limits, and with all the talk of naughty vs. nice, something that she somehow doesn't deserve.  I'm hoping that by giving her a chance to observe and witness other celebrations this time of year, she can take pride in what makes HER holiday special, instead of feeling just left out.

But I digress.

Our neighbors came over and we had latkes, we taught them how to play dreidel, we lit menorahs, and we opened presents (not technically a Jewish tradition, but it's been pretty well adopted at this point).

I admit to having a few crumbs again, but that was it. Had my leftover squash after everyone was FINALLY in bed. My kitchen will smell like oil for the next 2 weeks.  I feel good.

Wow, I wrote more than I thought, and not much of it was actually about food or health. But, I guess it was about religious health maybe? That's a bit of a stretch...

Day 8: Facing the Carb-Dragon Head-On.

First things first. My first weigh-in since restarting Take Shape for Life was this morning.  Down 9 pounds. Yes, this feels great to have made solid progress, but I know that it is going to slow down dramatically from this point forward, so I need to tuck my head down and keep charging forward.

I did do that tonight though, in a way.

Tonight is the 2nd night of Channukah and I voluntarily went ahead and made homemade potato latkes.  I'm talking the real deal, from scratch. The carbiest of the carbs.  I made them, I cooked them, I fried them, I smelled them. I took a crumb from the plate, I admit, but I did not eat any. Everyone enjoyed them. I kept busy at the fry pan so I didn't have to sit and watch.

For my own meal, I made one of my favorite spaghetti squash dishes courtesy of Sandy's Kitchen:

http://www.sandyskitchenadventures.com/2011/02/spaghetti-squash-with-tomatoes-feta-and.html

My best friend came by to celebrate Channukah with us, which was great, but she did bring an entire container of sugar cookies with she and my husband proceeded to eat together... literally passing the container back and forth in front of me. Periodically me husband would take one, glance my way with a guilty expression, make a sheepish smile and apologize. I asked him to fetch me a Popsicle. I survived.

Tomorrow we are hosting my next-door neighbor, so I might make some more latkes for the crew. I know I can handle it. I have leftover squash, I'll be fine.

As frustrating as the cookie thing was, I'm proud of how I went into the latkes situation head-on, kept my focus, and felt pretty good about things when it was over. I knew what I was getting into and I felt prepared for it. Maybe that's why the cookie thing was harder --- it threw me off gaurd.

There IS an elephant in the room for me that I need to address soon. New Year's Eve. One of my favorite days of the year, and I'd be lying if I didn't say that food was a part of the equation. More to come on this soon....


WEIGH IN STATS: Week 1
* Change this week: -9lbs
* Total change since day 1: -9lbs
* Total change since March 2014: -32

Days 6 & 7: Finishing the Week Strong

To be honest, I think I did pretty well for the most part during this crazy weekend. I wasn't perfect, but I was stronger than I think I was giving myself credit for.

Let's hit the key points:

Saturday

• Took L (2 year old) to a birthday party. There were bagels and fruit out for the adults, pizza and cake for the kids. Did not take a bite.  I had some cravings, but nothing like the day before at synagogue with the bagels/donuts.
• Went on an impromptu afternoon trip to the zoo with my husband, my sister, and 4 of the 5 kids, including both of mine.  Everyone ate beforehand, but the kids wanted to snack a lot. I brought cheese sticks, fruit, and crackers for them. I had my Medifast bar and I was fine with that. It was actually very pleasant out, and the zoo was practically empty.  It was a pleasant afternoon. Food was not a factor in that.
• Dinner was Chinese Buffet with the family because it is convenient and fast.  I had salad, crab legs, some chicken & broccoli, and green beans. Of course everything (but the crabs) had a sauce/dressing of some kind, but I think I made pretty good choices and I didn't eat too much. I sat patiently while everyone ate their fruit and fried dough and ice cream and I was MOSTLY ok with it. The nice thing about Crab Legs is that they take so long to take apart, that you don't eat them as quickly.

Sunday

• There was an a capella concert and Channukah party at our synagogue. I ate a bar before we left, which was actually my breakfast because I got a bit of a late start. After the performance, we went into the ballroom for food which consisted of:  potato latkes, donuts, chocolate gelt, and fruit-snacks. In other words, carbs, carbs, carbs, and some more carbs. I focused on getting food for everyone else, and ate another bar. I didn't feel too deprived
• After some child-shuffling, I had a 4 hour rehearsal for the Nutcracker. I had a quick medifast meal before that. They had provided snacks for the orchestra, in the form of [what looked like AMAZING] crumb cake and cookies.   I ate a bag of pretzels and left that room and spent the rest of the break in the auditorium.
• When I met up with my family, they had just finished eating a pizza dinner, I ate some salad with cheese chunks on top. I stayed downstairs during dessert. My mom scolded me like a child because I DID take a tiny nip of cake frosting on my finger on its way to the dishwasher...

All things considered?

This weekend went better than I expected.

I was STRONGER than I expected.

I need to get over the feeling that I'm being deprived by eating healthy.  Work in progress, but I'm going in the right direction. I hope the scale agrees with me tomorrow.

Day 5: Being Tested Already

Well, it's only day 5 and I already missed a day of blogging. I blame the jerk I dealt with for 2 hours at Verizon Wireless.  Long story.

Day 4 was mostly uneventful. It was a busy day. 2-year-old refused another nap, both ate a reasonable dinner, got both to bed by myself without much difficulty. I had leftover zucchini lasagna as my Lean & Green.

Today was one of my first big "tests". There was a family Shabbat at synagogue, and they were having a "light" dinner beforehand, which consisted of bagels. I knew about it in advance, so it was not a surprise, and I brought a bag of cinnamon pretzels with me, but I was ready to chew my arm off I wanted a bagel so badly. And I felt myself getting cranky. At one point I took a tiny nip of the 2-year-old's unfinished bagel. I chewed it and relished the taste, then spit it out into my hand and put it in the garbage.

Then, after the service, they had a traditional Channukah dessert -- Jelly filled donuts. I don't even LIKE jelly in donuts. But I could have knocked over 50 people to have one. I didn't. But I couldn't stop thinking about it and how much I would love to have one, and how deprived I felt that I couldn't have what everyone else was having.

My body feels OK (aside from being exhausted from not sleeping terribly well, and the kids had a rough day...) so I feel fairly confident that I made it to fat burn. But I really hope the mental strength improves with time. I didn't give up, but I felt the weakest I've felt since I started. And the weekend is only starting... a lot more temptation is on the immediate horizon.

Health is worth it.

I am worth it.

I have to be stronger than food.

Notes:

• Lean & Green: Salad after the kids went to bed. I was too hungry to wait for anything to cook, even if I had the patience to cook it. I topped it with some rotisserie chicken breast, and a cut-up piece of string cheese (I noticed that it is exactly 1 oz, so I know how much I'm eating)
• Bad habit alert: There was probably an oz or two of cheese leftover in the fridge. I ate it after dinner. I shouldn't have. I felt guilty. I don't think I was over my protein allotment because I didn't add that much chicken to my salad, but it was an impulsive, emotional choice, which is what I need to learn to control better. 
• I feel like I should have more to say, but I'm tired....

Day 3: Are We There Yet?

Am I in fat burn yet? Huh? Huh?

The headache is less intense, I'll give it that. I was getting my tires changed and I took a nap at my parents' house and I had a dream that [for some reason] there was a popcorn machine in my parents' house filled with the greasy/buttery carnival/movie-style popcorn, and I was eating it with my dad. But in the dream, somehow, I was pseudo-aware that I was on plan, and I remember going "OH CRAP! I wasn't supposed to eat that!" and feeling genuinely worried that I had messed up.

I guess it's a good thing that I *didn't* mess up, but still, that's just not fair, subconscious...

I picked up my car and I'm at home until it's time to pick up Rebecca. I'm feeling pretty hungry, but it's definitely not time to eat yet. I'm making myself useful by going through mail, scanning in worksheets and artwork from the kids (to save), and organizing stuff in the basement. I'm trying to drink, but I'm DEFINITELY wanting to eat right now. I think a few months ago I might have let myself have a bite of cheese, or some tomatoes -- they aren't inherently OFF plan, but eating them mindlessly without accountability definitely contributed to slowing down my progress (sometimes to a near-stop) which lead to frustration and bad choices.

When my oldest was in the 4's in preschool, she was having trouble dealing with her over-sensitive nature. She'd shut down crying a lot because of silly reasons. Her teacher told her "You are STRONG." I need to tell myself the same thing. I AM STRONG. I am stronger than the desire to eat.

(I think)

Notes:

• Lean & Green:  Salad with lettuce, cucumber, and grape tomatoes. 1oz of cheese, rotisserie chicken breast, 1 egg white, and some Trader Joe's feta dressing.  
• I had orchestra rehearsal tonight so it got me out of the house and somewhat distracted during my "munchies" time of night. I'm home now, though, and I'm tired, so I went for a popsicle.
• Hoping I get some more energy soon. I still just want to sleep sleep sleep...

Day 2: Grumble Grumble

Day 2 is in the books.  The headache started mid-morning, I took Advil twice. Of COURSE the nap strike from the 2 year old is in full effect, complete with dinner-time-straight-until-bed meltdown. And of COURSE I had some "ladies" issues. And of COURSE my husband was stuck late at work.

I did have urges to eat, but I quieted them down by actively saying in my head "Will eating make this problem better?" "Will gaining weight make the tantrum stop?" I want to get to the point where I can automatically cope without having to [essentially] lecture myself not to go off the rails. Because I'm nervous that when the novelty wears off in a week or two, that I might get complacent and start to "allow" myself little nibbles here and little nibbles there. You know, because I'm human, and I deserve it after a rough day.

I guess that's what I'm hoping to do differently this time. I have to have my inner angel "healthy" person available at all times on one shoulder to convince me that the devil "unhealthy" person on the other shoulder is full of crap. I have to [quite literally] have conversations with myself.  These haven't been happening aloud... yet...

So far so good. My confidence is still lacking, and I haven't been tested in social situations or eating out yet. The confidence isn't going to appear overnight, I have to be patient and kind to myself. If this was easy, there wouldn't be millions of people spending billions of dollars spent every year to get help (quick fixes or otherwise)

Notes:

• Lean & Green: Zucchini Lasagna.  Extra protein (since I didn't have any meat) was a little bit of cheese on my nacho puffs, and a small amount of deli turkey when I was giving my 2YO lunch
• I have to be careful about those little "BLT's" as they used to say from my Weight Watchers Days (Bites, Licks, and Tastes). But that's what this blog is for. If I can't be honest with myself, I won't get anywhere.
• I prepared a lot of dinner (For the family --  meatloaf, and for myself) while Lilah was eating lunch. It was too early for me to eat myself, and it kept me from nibbling. Keeping busy is important for me to stave off the bad habits.
• I did measure the cheese for the lasagna carefully and used the food scale. Go me.
• I had a HUGE case of the munchies after the girls went to bed. This is a big trigger time for me because I finally feel the release of the pressure of taking care of them all day, and it is usually when I want to "reward" myself for surviving, I guess. I had my pudding, and I will probably have a sugar free ice pop.  But I survived another day. Now let's see how those folks on "The Walking Dead" do...

Day 1: Beginning Again

Day 1 is in the books. I haven't felt incredibly hungry, but the throbbing headache from carb-withdrawal appeared on schedule around midday. Of course it didn't help that after a nearly 2 week streak of napping like a dream, my 2-year-old decided to refuse today's nap. My husband has a cold. Naturally he's acting as if death is imminent.

I decided that I'm going to hold off on exercise until I feel adjusted again. My energy level is pretty low.

I had a few intrusive thoughts of a predictable manner, taunting me to just say "Forget this" and go for a roll and/or a big-ass chunk of cheese. My weight-loss "destination" seems so far away and I feel weak on day 1. I don't have that wide-eyed "I can do this!" bright-eyed and bushy-tailed enthusiasm. But I'm trying to practice in my head "I deserve this." and "Remember the long term goal. It's MORE IMPORTANT THAN FOOD."

But I made it. And I'm going to keep fighting.

I'm worth it.

(I think)


Misc. Notes:

• Lean & Green: Cauliflower pizza (I had one in the freezer! Woohoo)
• I tried the Apple & Cinnamon crisps. They were pretty good. 
• Trying to remember to drink water. I should probably keep a bottle in the car now that it's getting cold out.
• Still feeling that "Urge to Munch" at night. I'm going to curl up in bed and watch "The Walking Dead" (We just finished season 4 and I took out season 5 from the Library). That's a show that definitely doesn't make you want to eat something!

I choose Health

Okay. Thanksgiving is over. I ate more than I should have (of course), overindulged on desserts even when I wasn't hungry (of course).   I know holidays are coming. Channukah (aka the Jewish holiday in which we celebrate our military victories with oil, fried potatoes, and donuts) will be here soon, and then all the Christmas treats will be offered to me from every direction.

The damage is bad. I had lost nearly 70 pounds at one point, and I'm fairly certain I put pretty much all of it back. The clothes don't fit me anymore. XL yoga pants are tight on me. Size 16/18 pants don't fit. It's bad. I had to buy a few XXL stuff. I gave that stuff away.  I was so sure I wouldn't need it anymore. And I HATE myself for letting it get to the point where I wonder if that was a mistake. I'm essentially back to square one.

Tomorrow, November 30th 2015, I am starting over.

What's going to make this time different?

I'd be lying if I didn't say that my confidence is at an all-time low. I don't feel strong. I don't feel capable. I don't feel like I deserve to be strong OR capable.

My goal for this blog is to help me be accountable, honest, and provide affirmations to myself that I can do this.  The plan is not rocket science. The struggle has always been in my head. 

So here I go, on the eve of day 1.

• I choose to end the day feeling good about my food choices.
• I choose to set a good example for my children and my family.
• I choose to stop and challenge myself to make the right choices when temptations are presented to me.
• I choose to put a higher importance on my long-term health than my short-term satisfaction from food.
• I choose to ignore that voice in my head that says "You don't deserve this." and "Why bother?"
• I choose to focus on what's right for me and not letting myself become fodder for naysayers who cast judgement to cover up their own insecurities
• I choose to take the first steps to becoming healthy.
• I choose not to look back.

You don't *HAVE* to eat that ..... (or do I?)

Eating healthy and losing weight is not rocket science. There are many nuances to it (in terms of carbs, fats, fiber, exercise, metabolism, etc) but the root of it basically comes down to your CALORIES IN compared to your CALORIES OUT.  If you're trying to lose weight, IN has to be less than OUT. If you're trying to maintain, they should be the same. If you're wondering why you're gaining weight, it's usually because IN is more than OUT.

Yes, it's a gross generalization.

One of the things that gets to me is that I like to think of myself as a smart person. I graduated at the top of my high school class, got a full academic scholarship to Binghamton University, graduated with a major in computer science (minor in mathematics). Being able to think and behave logically shouldn't have ever been an issue for me.

But I can't seem to ever get a handle on my relationship with food. And it makes me mad that this is so hard for me.

One of my best friends (we go back to elementary school to give you an idea) has always been relatively thin and healthy.  One time, a bunch of us had a BIG dinner out, and then came back to our house to hang out and play some geeky board games (as we are prone to do). I had a bag of Cadbury Mini-Eggs, a group favorite, but I was hesitant to open them because I knew I wouldn't be able to stop eating them. One of the other friends wanted to open it, and I finally agreed.

Five minutes later, I was eating them (of course) even though I was NOT hungry, even in the SLIGHTEST. I mumbled aloud "Stupid Mini-Eggs... making me eat them". And that same slender, healthy friend looked at me, incredulously, and said "You know, you don't HAVE to eat them." She didn't say it rudely, condescendingly, or with the tiniest smidgen or judgement. She simply couldn't understand why I would eat chocolate eggs (no matter how delicious) if I wasn't hungry.  Another of my friends (who has had similar weight struggles to myself) joked "That's why you're skinny!! We *DO* need to eat them!"

We all laughed, but that moment stuck with me. She was right. I didn't have to eat it. But I was doing it anyways. Why?

I have some theories that perhaps explain the psychology of some of my eating behaviors. I'm not against sharing in this space, perhaps someone can relate to my experiences, but that isn't going to help me fix (and ultimately conquer) these habits. Because as I've learned as a parent, we can understand and be sympathetic as to why our kids behave badly and make poor decisions (they are tired, cranky, hungry..) but that doesn't mean the poor decisions and poor behavior are in ANY way acceptable.

I need to decide that making poor health decisions is NOT ACCEPTABLE. 

I don't *have* to eat anything.

Do I Deserve Health?

Over the many (and I mean MANY) years I have struggled with my weight and trying to become a healthy individual, I was always told by friends and loved ones some variant of the following:

• You can do it!
• Once you decide you are ready, you will do it.
• When you WANT it badly enough you will succeed.

But one day I was struggling and I spoke to my health coach and she came at it a different way. She didn't ask me if I WANT to be healthy. She knows I do, or else I wouldn't have a health coach in the first place. That's a redundant question. She asked me:

• Do you feel that you DESERVE to be healthy?

 That question sort of stopped me in my tracks. I couldn't answer it. I couldn't bring myself to say [what should be] the obvious answer.   I mean, don't I deserve to be healthy?

It goes hand-in-hand with a similar question: 

• Do I deserve to be happy?

Despite all of the GOOD things in my life (and there ARE a lot of good things, please don't misunderstand this), oftentimes I am neither happy NOR healthy. Without hesitation, I can say that I often don't feel that I deserve to be happy. So I guess it makes sense that I don't feel that I deserve to be healthy either.

This is probably the first thing I need to address, but I'm not quite sure how.

Why this Blog?

This blog represents an attempt to open up myself to some accountability. Mostly to myself, because I'm not planning on advertising this to the public. 

I'm hoping to use this as a tool to acknowledge both my successes and failures in my journey to achieve health in my life. Perhaps it can help me better understand why I make the choices that I do. If I made a good choice, what motivated me to make that choice. If I made a bad choice, what feelings led me down that path? What can I do about it next time?

One thing my health coach has said to me many times is that I need to believe that I truly deserve health. I have a hard time even typing that. But the truth is: I deserve happiness. I deserve peace of mind. I deserve HEALTH.