Getting Lazy

So, I think I've been starting to get lazy. I haven't blogged in a week, which means that I haven't been terribly accountable. And I'm not just talking about food accountability, but mental and emotional accountability. I think I know by now that 90% of my food issues are mental.


There is exhaustion at play, and I just deleted a full paragraph of explanation, because it doesn't matter.  It doesn't explain what I can only describe as a combination of laziness and perhaps a bit of apathy. Cutting a few slices of cheese here..... an extra Popsicle there.... a few baby carrots at my friend's house with hummus. (Not the worst thing in the world, but not on-plan)

In the beginning when I was struggling with temptations, I was able to stop myself and say "Is this worth it?" and "Is this going to help me or make me feel better?" and "Do I really need to eat something right now?" I feel like right now I'm just blowing right past that and trying to get that temporary satisfaction in my stomach no matter what the cost.

Well here I am --- it didn't cost me numbers on the scale, but it cost me progress. It cost me momentum. I didn't let the program do its job because I let myself get in my own way.

I'm SO CLOSE to being able to wear the size 16 jeans again.  I have to remember that feeling when I want to eat a slice of cheese at night.


WEIGH IN STATS: Week 12
* Change this week: -1lbs  
* Total change since day 1: -28lbs
* Total change since March 2014: -51


WEIGH IN STATS: Week 13
* Change this week: 0lbs  
* Total change since day 1: -28lbs
* Total change since March 2014: -51

Scale Victory

I didn't weigh myself last week after the whole Superbowl thing, since I was feeling really negative and I didn't want to start myself on a downward spiral should the results match how I was feeling. So I have no idea how much damage (if any) I did that day, because I weighed myself as scheduled on Monday, and I was down 3 pounds over 2 weeks. That is solid progress.

As I wrote on my last entry, I have not been feeling great about things, or myself in general. I was not feeling productive, healthy, attractive, vibrant, or even like a terribly good mother this week. I went out to the supermarket to get something to cook for dinner, and I genuinely didn't want to go back home. A lot of "why bother" thoughts creeped in there. On Sunday, I was so unbelievably hungry at lunch time, I started snacking on the cheese, and before I knew it, I ate a good half a block of mozzarella (half a pound). I totally lost control.

For what it's worth, I talked to my coach, I got back on track  and I got through it. So I'm proud of myself for not giving up on the rest of the day (and myself), but I really need to come to terms with why that happened and what I can do to prevent it.

I keep going back to that feeling of self-doubt and hopelessness -- kind of like "Why bother, you're just going to mess up and gain everything back anyways, so you might as well enjoy the comfort of the food."

Lisa (my health coach) suggested writing down some reasons why it's worth "bothering". Here goes:
1) I want to set a good example for my children.
2) I may never have a body that other people envy, but I want to carry myself with confidence and pride that I have a healthy body.
3) I want to be able to have adventurous trips with my girls when they are old enough to really travel.
4) I want to be able to have adventures and fun trips with my husband and friends!
5) I don't want to be thinking about diabetes and heart disease in my 40's and 50's the way my father & grandparents did.  *** I know this is a negative, but it's important with my family history
6) I want to finish every meal satisfied and content, not bloated and fatigued.
7) I want to be able to trust myself to make healthy choices without feeling deprived and like it's "work". This will only happen if I truly change my habits, and not just "diet."

But then.... all of this goes back to the mission statement of this blog --- don't I believe that I deserve these things? Aren't they more important than the TEMPORARY comfort of food when I'm having a bad day?

I have always struggled (since childhood) with feeling like I'm a good person, worthy of happiness and friendship and love. And in a lot of places, I found those things. I am not lacking in some wonderful friends, a loving husband, healthy and [mostly] happy kids. But I constantly question if I'm good enough, and there are definitely people in my life who take advantage of that. I readily hand them power to weaken me, which I should be using it to make myself stronger

It's a work in progress, but I think recognizing that I need to change these things is an important step.

My self worth can't be defined by others.


WEIGH IN STATS: Week 11
* Change in 2 weeks: -3lbs  
* Total change since day 1: -27lbs
* Total change since March 2014: -50

Bad Habits and Negative Thoughts

I've been having a tough time this week, to be honest.  There HAS been some stress (R was sick on Monday, more pre-school drama, meetings, etc. disrupting my routine and precious gym time), but nothing outrageous.

But there are two things I feel I need to note about my behavior this week:

1) I've been snacking on cheese again. This was something that got out of control last time when I got frustrated. Since cheese technically is not off-plan and can count as a lean protein, it is something I knew I could take a nip of here and there and not feel like I was making a horrible decision --- especially in social situations. However, it is also a huge trigger food for me, I could pretty easily eat an entire 16oz block of mozzarella cheese without thinking twice.  Back in November/December, I was being really careful and was so conscious of my decisions --  I only allowed myself to have a bit of cheese if I knew that I had not fulfilled my protein for the day, and I even measured it on the scale.  By January, I was kind of eye-balling it, but was keeping track. This week? Ever since Superbowl Sunday, I've been actually going into the fridge, taking out the cheese, and cutting myself a slice... or two... or three. This is not good and needs to stop.


2) I've been feeling some boredom/fatigue with the medifast foods. For most of the time since November, I was not feeling deprived and I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about what I wasn't eating. But this week I've been thinking a lot of "Oh, what I wouldn't give to eat a nice sandwich" or "Mmmmm... those fries on the TV commercial look GOOD!" and "It would be so nice to go and share an ice cream with the family".

It seems so easy to just give up and relax and enjoy eating some carbs for a change. After all, it's only human to crave some comfort food. 

But there is a cost associated with it. The cost is that I derail myself from my goal of achieving a healthy weight.

Do I deserve that?

If I believe I do, then I have to be strong enough to realize that it's a more important goal than relaxing with a pint of Ben & Jerry's.

To be 100% honest... although I have not given in, right now the Ben & Jerry's sounds like a better deal. So I guess it's a work in progress. 

Focus, girl, focus!

Weekend of Questionable Choices

I don't feel good about this weekend.  I didn't do anything egregiously terrible or totally off-plan, but I don't feel that I made the best possible choices that I could have made, and I have a lot of anxiety/fear about what kind of damage I have done.  I still don't trust that my body/metabolism have any forgiveness for making slightly less-than-great choices.

Here is the gist of what went down:

• Saturday:  I had two "eating out" scenarios, so I decided to do a 4/2 (4 meal replacements and 2 lean/greens) and plan accordingly rather than get frustrated. 
• The first was an oneg lunch after Shabbat Services (our synagogue is auditioning for a new Rabbi). I ate a mixed salad (which had some fruits, like cranberries and a bit of mango, that I tried to eat around), some cucumber/tomato chopped salad with dill, a few small scoops of egg salad, and a few pieces of lox.  
• The second was my brother-in-law's 40th birthday dinner at a BBQ restaurant. I ordered a brisket platter that came with 2 sides, of which I selected a side salad, and seasoned green beans.
• After dinner, one of my absolute favorite chocolate fudge layer cakes was served for dessert. I went downstairs after the singing was over so I wasn't tempted. While down there, my brother-in-law's sister (who really could *not* be any skinnier) informed me that she's on a diet because she hasn't lost all of her "baby weight". I guess there's no hope for us mere mortals, huh? ;-)
• While these weren't inherently terrible off-plan choices on the surface, I started to stress about them later. The dressing in the salad at the synagogue? Probably had some sugar. I tried to avoid the fruit in the salad, but I probably some. The lox? Fatty. The egg salad? Full of mayo -- also fatty.  The brisket? VERY fatty, and doused in BBQ sauce which was probably loaded with sugar.  I was filled with a lot of anxiety at the end of the day. Did I totally screw up? Did I knock myself out of fat burn? Am I going to be back over 200lbs as quickly as I left it?
• Sunday: Our 10th (Yes, 10th!) Annual Puppybowl/Superbowl party. Which meant lots of snacks, treats, you name it. I decided that after New Year's Eve, I wanted to prove to myself that I can stay on plan in a social situation loaded with lots of junk food. But my confidence was not high. I was snippy with my husband all morning, and while he might have deserved half of it, the other half was definitely me feeling nervous and edgy about this situation and how I was going to remain strong.
• I generally stayed on plan. I prepared a cheesy spaghetti squash casserole (which a few people tried and enjoyed). I had medifast for snack & dessert. 
• One of my friends brought chicken wings that were boiled, and then seasoned and baked -- not fried! So I had a few (or several) without the buffalo sauce (which I'm not a fan of anyways). My other friend made a Cheesy Chili Mexican dip. While I did not have any tortilla chips, I did take several spoonfulls of the dip on its own. I probably ate more of that than I should have.
• I am guilty of eating one and a half M&M's, as well as a few tiny crumbs of brownie and a few crumbs of ginger snap cookies. I know these bites add up.

My coach suggested I skip the scale tomorrow, and I think that's probably a good idea.  While I'm not exactly thrilled at my less-than-stellar choices, I'm most upset that I let myself feel weak and out of control. I went INTO the situation feeling on shaky ground, which was almost a self-fulfilling prophesy.

While I wasn't perfect (far from it), I hate that the second I acknowledge it, I'm immediately filled with this fear that I have ruined everything beyond repair. I have to believe that for all that I struggled today, that it was still better than had I just said "Screw it!" and ate everything in sight.  But will the scale and the fit of my pants punish me?

I'm going to sign up to take a spin class tomorrow, and hopefully kick some ass and work off the negative energy.  I have to be able to forgive myself and have a LITTLE faith in my body. We're a team.... right?

Staying Positive when there's no reason to be Negative

I was actually somewhat excited to step on the scale this morning. I feel pretty good, and despite all the stresses last week, I made good health choices.

When it went down only 0.5lbs, to be honest, I was kinda dissapointed. 

There are some things that might have impacted it -- namely I had Chinese food on Saturday night and that can be a lot of sodium (a.k.a. water retention), but I have to take things at face value. As much as our bodies ARE machines in a lot of ways, there are a lot of reasons on a given week that you can do everything right, and still not see the scale move.   There's a reason we often try to talk about non-scale victories.

I was excited to step on the scale because I FELT GOOD. That's a victory.  I'm not quite back into the size 16 pants again, but I had a concert on Sunday afternoon and the pants that were tight in November, were definitely a lot looser. That's a victory.  I may not be feeling full of pride about my body, but I certainly don't feel ashamed anymore. Victory. I got to the gym this morning, and I can probably get there at least once more on Wednesday, which is an improvement over last week. Victory.

I'm not giving up.

Victory.


WEIGH IN STATS: Week 9
* Change this week: -0.5lbs
* Total change since day 1: -24lbs
* Total change since March 2014: -47