Breaking the Monotony + Non-Scale Victory

I caught up with my coach yesterday, and she reminded me (yet again) that my thoughts are normal an that I'm a human being.  That I have to be more forgiving of these thoughts, because they are human ones.

We tossed around an idea of letting myself go easy on the plan once in a while to help shake up the feeling of being deprived. I think that's part of the problem with having to lose 100 pounds instead of just 10 or 20. It is just such a LONG journey, and the fatigue and boredom sets in after a few months. Next week is the Parent's Night Out Fundraiser at L's preschool, which 2 years ago fell during my first week of starting TSFL.  I've been doing this for 2 friggin' years now. It's frustrating that I'm still fighting the same [mental] blocks. I had visions of myself  one or two years later being at trim, healthy person -- possibly even an inspiration for others.  I'm still bogged down in frustration and shame.

I'm afraid of the idea of easing off the plan, but it does sound like a bit of a relief. But the way I see it, there are a few things that have to happen if I am to try this:

• This wouldn't be a full day off-plan eating whatever the hell I want. No going completely overboard like I did on New Year's Eve. Maybe just allowing myself a little taste of the carbs, or a few bites of dessert without feeling guilty.
• This would be maybe one meal, not the whole day. At least until I can prove to myself that I can handle it.
• This would happen ONCE a month (at max)
• I'd have to go RIGHT BACK ON PLAN the next day
• My expectations have to be realistic -- I will likely not lose weight that week, and in fact, I might even gain. And I have to be willing to be OK with that. Because if my progress stalls for 1 week, but is solid the other 3 weeks, and it helps keep my attitude in line, it might be worth it.

Just thinking about how I would attack this makes me feel somewhat more in control. Perhaps that's part of what's holding me back -- being on a strict plan makes me feel powerless, almost like I'm a prisoner. This COULD be good, but I can't let it mentally turn into an excuse. I'm not sure yet.

On an unrelated note, I had (what I'd call) a non-scale victory yesterday. I took R to meet my sister and her kids at my nephew's baseball practice, which is 2 hours long. So we went for a long walk around the nearby lake. It's around 2.5 miles. R rode her bike (we're working on building her confidence so she can ditch the training wheels soon) and everyone else walked. My sister was clearly getting tired, I was fine -- I even took over pushing the stoller for her. I ran a few times with the stroller to catch-up / chase the older kids.  Later at dinner, my sister said to me "I don't know about you, but my legs feel like jelly." I said "I feel great".

And I meant it.

(P.S..... she's the thinner one... by a lot)

So I guess I'm doing something right.

Going Through the Motions

My coach sent an e-mail today celebrating 4 years of her healthy journey. She pointed out that she got out of the "diet" mentality and shifted her focus towards establishing healthy habits and a healthy lifestyle.

I feel like I'm slipping. I'm going through the motions... I'm eating my meal replacements, I'm drinking my water. But my lean & green is getting lazy. I'm nibbling on things. I'm having more and more negative feelings, and that "longing" for "real food" (read: comfort food)

These are NOT the thoughts of a healthy person. These are the thoughts of a frustrated person dieting for the 50-millionth time, who has zero confidence and faith in herself. These are the thoughts of someone who will not just eat one cookie. These are the thoughts of the person who will eat ALL the cookies.

I genuinely don't know how to change this.

Sometimes I wonder if the only reason I haven't caved completely is because then I'd have to come here and write about my failure on this blog.

I guess that's something... and maybe it'll stop me from getting much FATTER, but it's not enough.

Grumpy

I'm kind of grumpy. Scale went up a half a pound. I didn't run to the fridge and stuff my face, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I'm frustrated.

There are some reasons to believe that this might be a bit of water-weight. I had some corned beef on Saturday when we had friends over, which is salty and fatty. Then on Sunday, I had Chinese take-out. Instead of getting the steamed shrimp and broccoli, I ordered moo-shu chicken, which is mostly vegetables (cabbage, etc) with chicken, but I'm sure the oil and sodium was higher than recommended on the plan.

But, in full disclosure, there were a few bad choices I made.

• I ate a few brownie crumbs on Saturday. It probably added up to about a quarter of an actual brownie. Those "BLT's" (bites, licks, and tastes -- as my old weight-watchers leader called them) add up.  
• I had a few carrots at a birthday party I took L to on Sunday afternoon, with dip. I also let her feed me a tiny taste of ice cream cake
• I ate 3 or 4 chocolate chips on Sunday while the kids were making Hamentaschen
• I'm still guilty of taking random slices of cheese when I feel really hungry. This is a horrible habit and needs to stop. I know cheese is a trigger food and I should stay away from it, but right now it's kind of keeping me from going off the deep end.  

I can lie to myself, but the calories don't lie. I have to get it together.

I did go to the gym today and take a spin class and I felt really good afterwards. I have to remember the good parts that come along with being healthy and fit. It all has to mean more than a %*#@ piece of cheese!

So, in conclusion: I feel very weak. But I'm still here.


WEIGH IN STATS: Week 16
* Change this week: +0.5lbs
* Total change since day 1: -30.0lbs
* Total change since March 2014: -53.0lbs

Tired. So Tired.

Not much to say... I'm still here. I went to the doctor, and nothing is wrong in terms of my blood-work and my neck pain was just a muscle strain. I'm still going to make an appointment with an ENT to see if  they can figure out the reason for the tinnitus in my ear (I literally hear my heart beating in my head, which is making it even harder for me to sleep). So. I didn't get my "excuse" to go off plan, and I'm trying to get back into the grind. I took a spin class on Wednesday and felt GOOD. I have to remember that feeling.

Another week starts tomorrow... I spent today making hamentaschen that I won't be able to enjoy, watching my friends eat delicious desserts that I wasn't able to enjoy, and watching a room full of toddlers and their parents eat pizza and ice cream cake that I wasn't able to enjoy.

I know, I know.

I *can* enjoy them, but I'm *choosing* health instead.

Right?

Eh.

I'm cranky.

Hopefully a good weigh-in tomorrow will help.

WEIGH IN STATS: Week 15
* Change this week: -1.0lbs
* Total change since day 1: -30.5lbs
* Total change since March 2014: -53.5

Looking for a Reason

I haven't been feeling great lately. A lot of little things that just don't seem right, I might check in with my doctor, some of the things that are bothering me are not normal complaints (frequent headaches, a pain in the side of my neck, etc)

But it's funny how, when that part of my brain started saying things like "Maybe something is horribly, horribly wrong" and I started having scary visions of rare diseases and illnesses, one of the thoughts that actually entered my head was "Oh, but if I am actually sick, then I probably have a good excuse to go off plan and eat some normal food."

Now, I absolutely and 100% recognize how that is an unequivocally awful thing to think, not to mention put into writing. I don't take my health for granted and I know that there are people with debilitating and life-threatening illnesses that would gladly trade that for a slow metabolism and a bit of a weight problem.

But I still thought it.

I had a similar thought when I was dealing with a particular bout of depression and anxiety. I was driving by myself on a crowded highway at rush hour and I imagined getting into a car accident. I thought, "Hey, if I am in the hospital for a few days, I'll get a break from my life." That instead of me trying to take care of everybody else, people might actually be trying to take care of me.  It'd be like a vacation.

Awful, isn't it?

But those were my honest thoughts.

And these are my thoughts now...

I feel like I am looking for a compelling enough reason to "let" myself quit. Which is absolutely the wrong attitude to take on this journey. The desire to create health is not currently my motivator or I wouldn't be having these thoughts. There's definitely a fear of gaining weight and a fear of failure (yet again) that has kept me from derailing. But that's not going to be enough.

I'm probably going to call the doctor tomorrow and get to the bottom of this. Then, when it's hopefully nothing, I can remind myself what I'm trying to do.

For now, just getting through the day might have to be enough.

Musings of a Sick Mom

I've been sick since last Wednesday.  Then on top of that, L got a stuffy nose screamed for hours at a time both Friday and Saturday nights. I'm almost better, but it has definitely taken a toll on me.

I can deal with a day or two of feeling under the weather, but when I hit day 3 of feeling like my throat was on fire and starting to accumulate a sleep deficit -- I started to yearn for the comfort of fatty foods. I was actually having dreams of creamy soups, and sitting on the couch enjoying ice cream.

I also started to have some thoughts creep in like "You know, if you just gave in and had a little bit of pizza and ice cream, nobody would blame you." "It's TOTALLY understandable" and "You're only human"

It really took every ounce of strength not to give in. 

Especially because on Sunday, a friend of mine was celebrating his birthday with a wine tour in upstate NY. I decided not to call in a babysitting favor on this one, and to be honest, a big part of it was because of my nutrition goals. I mean, what's the point of going on a wine tasting tour if you can't have ANY WINE? I'm sure I could have cheated, but then I would have felt crappy about myself for a different reason. But it was hard to not think about everyone hanging out with lots of delicious food and drink while I was managing the children and dealing with the aftermath of my [seemingly] endless cold. I felt deprived, and I was really cranky when  my husband told me he wasn't even going to be home to help with bedtime.

But you know what? It's Monday now. And I lost 1.5 pounds this week.

Hell yeah.

WEIGH IN STATS: Week 14
* Change this week: -1.5lbs
* Total change since day 1: -29.5lbs
* Total change since March 2014: -52.5