Checking in

Yeah, I dropped the ball on blogging this week.  As much as I complain about being super busy and exhausting, this week just took everything into overdrive. But I am happy to say that my health journey is still on track, and I made some good choices along the way.  Here come the bullet-point list of highlights...

• Pre-school Drama: L's preschool nearly tripled in size this year due to a local YJCC that closed unexpectedly over the summer.  The culture between the schools are very different, and many of the original parents have concerns about changes to the hours, pricing, staffing, etc that have taken place. To put it simply, a group of 10 of us have been writing letters, meeting with executive staff at the synagogue, and just in general spending a LOT of hours and time trying to connect to the right people to get a good resolution. It's been mentally and physically exhausting, and has sucked up an enormous amount of time in my week.
• Monday: No gym because I was volunteering at L's pre-school for TuB'Shevat (A lesser-known Jewish holiday celebrating the earth, the kids refer to it as celebrating the birthday of the trees). I helped the kids plant parsley and watched them play and giggle.  However, the real excitement was after I picked up L at the end of the day, and my car wouldn't start.  I am thankful for a few things:
• Caring parents at L's school, one of whom offered to take L back to her house, which I graciously accepted. L had a great afternoon playing with her friend
• Caring parents at R's school, one of whom took R back to her house after school to play.
• That I had a stash of Medifast snacks/bars in the car, because I certainly wasn't expecting to spend all afternoon at the school.
• That it ultimately wound up being just the battery, and nothing else major was wrong with the car.
• Tuesday: I knew the gym wasn't happening this week, so I got a little physical activity in on the treadmill when L was "napping" (I use that term loosely).  I think the physical activity is helping and I don't want to lose my momentum!
• Wednesday: No gym because I had my annual checkup at the good old GYN office, followed by one of the aforementioned synagogue meetings (which did NOT go very well). I spent a lot of the day on the phone, and then had a rehearsal that night. The rehearsal actually calmed me down a bit. Quite literally, the Mozart effect. 
• Thursday: I spent part of the morning touring another preschool (just in case), and then a lot of the rest of the day on the phone with other parents and writing letters. I went to bed close to 11:30, and within 15 seconds of my head hitting the pillow, L started screaming bloody murder in her crib. She had a bit of a stuffy nose (nothing else was wrong) and was just freaking out. I understand it's uncomfortable, but there's no rationalizing with a 2 year old about these kinds of things. I tried everything, including taking her into my bed (which I never do) and laying down on the floor next to her crib. It was a long night.
• Friday: I spent almost every free moment on the phone, including filling in some other people at the synagogue about what's been going on. I think we are in a good place to get a good resolution, but it has left me drained and exhausted. Plus, I had a rehearsal. UGH.

So yeah, it's been a rough week. But I had no major deviations from the plan. Still on track for health.. I hope!

WEIGH IN STATS: Week 8
* Change this week: -2lbs
* Total change since day 1: -23.5lbs
* Total change since March 2014: -46.5

Perspective

So, last night wasn't a great night for me. I was frustrated and hungry and I cut myself a few slices of mozzarella cheese, which is definitely at trigger food for me (cheese in general). I know I overdid the protein that day, and I felt kind of guilty about it.  I should know better by now. As I was slicing it, I was thinking about how stupid I was being. But I didn't stop.

I really want to get to the gym all 3 of the days L is in pre-school, but it's been really hard to fit it in, and I don't mean that in the "excuse to not go to the gym" kind of way.  My weeks have been filled with volunteering at schools, doctor's appointments, and holidays. I WANT to go the gym and that is a good thing. I really enjoy the spin instructor that teaches on Mondays and Wednesdays, and I like getting in the pool and swimming laps. And most of all, I love that feeling when I'm done that I've accomplished something. You know, that brief moment where I feel like a certifiable healthy person.

So, I was able to get to the gym today (since Monday was a holiday, and I'm volunteering on Friday), and I took a spin class with that teacher I like a lot. I pushed myself hard, and I felt good. I went to the supermarket and got some fruit for the kids and some salmon to cook up later in the week. Then while on line, I pulled out my phone and I saw something on my newsfeed on Facebook that shook me up.

I saw a post tagging a former coworker of mine from her husband. It read that she had finally lost her battle with depression and took her own life yesterday.  He wrote "I just wish I could have helped her want to hang on. She tried, she really did."

I didn't know her terribly well -- she lived in California and I corresponded with her on a few projects -- I found her smart and funny.  I knew she had some health issues, and struggled with raising an autistic son. So, while any normal person would consider this sad, why did it hit me so hard? Suicide is a big trigger for me, because I've fought with depression my whole life. Another former coworker messaged me about it in case I didn't know, and she told me that she had trouble understanding what depression feels like.

I tried to explain the saying "Depression Lies". She asked me if it was like a voice in my head, and I said the following:

"No, but you genuinely feel like you're worthless, or that the world is better without you. 
Your brain is just in a place where it's so easy to believe it. 
And you can rationalize it in a million ways.
So you believe it.
And anyone else telling you it's not true, they seem like liars"

The thing is, I've never been hopeless enough that I ever hurt myself, but I've definitely contemplated it before. I have genuinely thought that the world would be better without me, and that the people around me would be happier if they didn't have to deal with me.  But I guess I clung to the small chance that maybe I was wrong and things would get better.  She wasn't able to do that, and I'm so sad. I wish I knew she was suffering so that I could have tried to help.

So, I guess I have a bit of perspective now, since the worst part of my day yesterday was making a few bad eating decisions.  That I was a little tired, and maybe a bit frustrated with my husband. I have to keep my head up and think of all the potential for tomorrow, and the days and months that come after that. I'm just sad that my casual friend from California isn't alive to see what a beautiful day it might be.

Getting Results

We talk a lot about non-scale-victories on TSFL, and I think I've had a few. I went to the gym (ON A WEEKEND) yesterday and did a little swimming while R was in Hebrew school, for example.

But it's nice to celebrate some scale-victories too.

Today I weighed in and not only did the scale go down, but it was under 200lbs for the first time since, probably, the summer. I was afraid I might not see a number like that again.  I went to the doctor's office (for an unrelated issue) and they didn't have to slide that 50lb marker up to 200.

I have to remember this good feeling because I know how fragile it is. There is no school today, so my sister came over with her 3 kids, and all 5 cousins baked and decorated cupcakes together. I'd be lying if I said that my cake-batter and/or frosting covered finger didn't wind up in my mouth from time to time. I have to be careful, and if my results slow down this week, I probably have something to point to.

I HAVE been feeling a bit more hungry the past day or two. I get scared about breaking fat burn any time I have a slight transgression, but I'm wondering if maybe the extra physical exercise is impacting it a bit. I guess time will tell because if I keep losing weight, then I know I'm still in fat-burn.

I am making a baked ziti for the kids (and carbohydrate-eating adults) tonight, and I prepared a cheesy spaghetti squash casserole dish for myself (and whoever else wants it). I restocked on zuchini and lettuce and cucumbers and all that other veggie goodness for the week.  I've got this!

WEIGH IN STATS: Week 7
* Change this week: -2lbs
* Total change since day 1: -21.5lbs
* Total change since March 2014: -44.5

Only a Dream..

So, the other night I had a pretty vivid dream about being stressed out and around a bunch of tempting foods, mainly desserts as far as I can remember.  Someone in the dream was like  "It's ok, you're in a stressful situation -- have a <insert fatty/sugary snack here>" and I said something like "You know what? You're right. I am stressed." and ate the bad food.

I woke up and I realized I didn't do it. But I was kinda pissed off at my subconscious for cheating. And it scares me a bit because I always feel like I'm one bad decision from erasing all of the good that I've done. It's a really slippery slope for me.

Today was a bit of a challenge. I attended the Sisterhood Shabbat at the synagogue with R (My husband took L to a birthday party), and afterwards was a pretty big oneg lunch following the service. Lately they have been hiring Fairway to do the catering (since they do kosher catering) and it is DELICIOUS. I didn't really plan on eating anything, but they did have some low-carb options -- namely a green salad, a cucumber/tomato salad, lox (hey, it's salmon), and some whitefish/egg salad.

It wasn't perfect. The salad was in a vinaigrette dressing that tasted a bit sweet (there was some fruit, mango I think on top, but I mostly avoided that), the lox was fatty, and the egg/whitefish salad probably had a TON of mayonnaise in it.  But there were a lot of things I didn't give a second glance at --- namely the fruit and dessert trays, the bagels, the quiches, and the noodle kougel. Ok, I lied, I looked at the noodle kougel twice (I LOVE sweet noodle kougel), but I didn't touch it.

Aside from today, I've been pretty good this week, but I noticed a few habits creeping back like stealing an extra bite of cheese, a few extra tomatoes when I was cooking, etc..  

I made it to the gym twice this week, 2 spin classes. I pushed myself harder on the second one, and it felt good! The spin bikes have monitors that record wattage, RPM, and speed which gives you something to measure yourself against.  Plus I helped my brother-in-law move a couch today, which was more of an ordeal than it should have been. All good things for my health journey.

So I'll celebrate the victory that I handled the situation better than I could have, but I really have to be more careful in the future.  I can't let my guard down because then the progress slows and the frustration builds. I've seen it happen to myself again and again. The size 16 jeans ALMOST fit. I can get them on, but they are not comfortable. That is my next goal. I want to be wearing those jeans again!

Relief

The scale went down.  Noticeably.

My reaction?

THANK GOD.

I was nervous stepping on the scale for the first time in a while. I knew that I did well this week. I went to the gym twice, I didn't cheat -- there was no reason the scale shouldn't reflect it, but I was still scared.

Lisa asked me why I think I felt that way, and I told her that I didn't trust my body. She pointed out that I often talk about my body like it's a separate entity from the rest of me, like it's a "third party that does its own thing, independent of [my] thoughts and actions".

I guess sometimes it feels that way though. Like my body isn't playing for the same team as me -- I want to lose weight, it wants to cling to every last ounce of fat.  I want to be able to forgive myself and move on from a transgression, it wants to not only stop my progress, but reverse it.  My body feels like it has no flexibility, no forgiveness, no room for error. It seems to fight me every step of the way.

As I said in my last post, I know that complaining won't change my metabolism, or my body's response to unhealthy foods (in any quantity or frequency). It sucks, and it isn't fair, but there are a lot of things that don't suck about my body.  I am otherwise a healthy person, free of major diseases and ailments.  I'm sure there are women struggling with cancer who would love to instead be struggling with something as trivial as their weight.  I have to keep that perspective, and I have to take ownership of my body and make it work for me. It answers to ME.

So, this morning, I dragged my body to the gym and took another spin class. I'm starting to get re-acclimated to spinning and it feels less intimidating. Healthy habits feel GOOD. Maybe I can convince my body to join my team after all.


WEIGH IN STATS: Week 6
* Change this week: -3.5lbs
* Total change since day 1: -19.5lbs
* Total change since March 2014: -42.5

Frustration & Musings

 I'm going to go bullet point style again because my thoughts are all over the place.

• So, as you can see from the stats below, my results did not match my optimism from my last entry. Not only was I unable to hold my weight, but I GAINED 2.5 pounds. That's a lot more than I was expecting. I knew that water retention could be a factor, but since I was back on plan for 3 days before stepping on the scale, I was hoping water wouldn't be at play. and I'd at least break even.
• To be honest, I am pretty annoyed. My body really has no forgiveness. Most people can have one "off" day and recover from it, but my body decides to pack on 2.5 pounds? Just for a few hours of off-plan indulgence? What gives? It really isn't fair.
• Unfortunately, whining about how unfair it is will not help matters. My body is the body I have, and I should be thankful that it is otherwise functional and healthy. Yes, my metabolism sucks. But it is metabolizing. And I have to work with it. I'm trying to cling to the positive that I've been able to bounce back, mentally, and I'm on track. Unsuccessful people complain about the circumstances they can't change, successful people adapt to them.
• To clarify, I'm more annoyed than upset, if that makes sense. It's still frustrating (maddening almost), but I made a choice. I have to own it. I refuse to allow myself to feel mental anguish over it.
• I went to the gym twice this week (HUZZAH!). It would have been 3, but I felt really off on Wednesday, including some dizziness, and I spent the entire morning (and part of the afternoon) sleeping. But I pushed myself harder than I have at the gym -- I took spin classes both Monday & Friday. They are not easy for me, and I know I'm not performing at the level the instructor is encouraging us to be at, but you've got to start somewhere. 
• Eating nutritiously and exercising feels a HELL of a lot better than being bloated and gassy after a big meal of heavy, unhealthy food. I have to remember that and constantly remind myself. (That's what a journal is for, right?)

WEIGH IN STATS: Week 5
* Change this week: +2.5lbs
* Total change since day 1: -16lbs
* Total change since March 2014: -39

New Year, New Atttidue

Okay, so I'm pretty exhausted, but I need to write about New Year's Eve.  I'm going to try to bullet-point my thoughts.

• GOOD: I did not eat anything off-plan until mid-afternoon on New Year's Eve, shortly before the guests arrived. Last year I'm pretty sure I let the entire day go because I figured it was a loss anyways.
• NOT SO GOOD:  I was not mindful of what I was eating and I went overboard with the appetizers. It's easy to just grab "one more chip" or "one more mini hot dog", "one more piece of chocolate", or "one more sweet meatball".  I knew dinner (and dessert) was coming, but I kept on eating.
• GOOD and NOT SO GOOD: My stomach was not happy with me. I had that overstuffed feeling, and I felt bloated and gassy most of the later part of the evening and into the next morning.  So "NOT SO GOOD" because nobody likes to feel that way, but "GOOD" because I had a tangible feeling of discomfort that I did NOT enjoy.  I certainly don't want this to become a habit.
• GOOD: I did not eat too much at dinner. Maybe because I was stuffed full of appetizers....
• GOOD: I did not have too much dessert. Even though that's the part I was looking the most forward to, my stomach was crying "oh dear god, no more food!" and I mostly listened to it. I took small tastes of each thing, and I enjoyed them. THIS is how I meant to handle the appetizers. Just a little taste is fine. I need to work on drilling that into my brain. Work in progress.
• GOOD: I think this is the most important part. The next morning, I had a choice. I could let myself go for another day. There was a TON of leftover food, including cookie cake, chocolate cookies, sugar cookies -- as well as fresh challah rolls from the Rockland Bakery with cream cheese and lox.  I really wanted to.  That's what I did the year before -- I let the next morning go, which turned into the whole day. But in all honesty -- I was still feeling full from the prior evening. As much as I LOVE challah, and lox, none of that food was going to make me feel good. I hemmed and hawed about it on the inside for a long while. Honestly -- I thought about what I'd have to write on this blog to justify my decision to knowingly "cheat" for one more day.  In the end? I decided it wasn't worth it. I needed to contain the damage and get back on track. I did it. I felt OK with it. Drank a lot of water and ate a medifast bar late in the morning. 
• GOOD: We gave away a LOT of the leftovers. Some to my friends to take home, some to my parents. We put the uneaten candy/chocolate in a bag and we will serve it when our friends come over again in early February for our annual Superbowl/Puppybowl party.  Even D (husband) agreed that getting rid of the temptation was a good thing for both of us.
• NOT SO GOOD: I had a splitting headache a lot of Friday and had trouble sleeping.
• GOOD: D let me sleep almost all morning on Saturday. I am tired, but I feel better. My hunger levels aren't quite as stable as they will be in fat-burn, but I'm getting there.

So, I see a lot more GOOD than NOT SO GOOD. That's pretty good, right?

I'm proud of myself. I was able to make a conscious choice (for one night) to let myself enjoy the food-part of the social world, while remaining accountable for my choice and immediately refocusing on health the next day. I don't know what the scale will show on Monday, but I'm cautiously optimistic that I'll see a neutral number. Maybe it won't go down, but hopefully it won't go up. And if it does, I will try to see the positive in the situation and look at it as a test. Will I let a number knock me off track? Or will I regroup my concentration and strength and kick some ass next week....