Day 1: Beginning Again

Day 1 is in the books. I haven't felt incredibly hungry, but the throbbing headache from carb-withdrawal appeared on schedule around midday. Of course it didn't help that after a nearly 2 week streak of napping like a dream, my 2-year-old decided to refuse today's nap. My husband has a cold. Naturally he's acting as if death is imminent.

I decided that I'm going to hold off on exercise until I feel adjusted again. My energy level is pretty low.

I had a few intrusive thoughts of a predictable manner, taunting me to just say "Forget this" and go for a roll and/or a big-ass chunk of cheese. My weight-loss "destination" seems so far away and I feel weak on day 1. I don't have that wide-eyed "I can do this!" bright-eyed and bushy-tailed enthusiasm. But I'm trying to practice in my head "I deserve this." and "Remember the long term goal. It's MORE IMPORTANT THAN FOOD."

But I made it. And I'm going to keep fighting.

I'm worth it.

(I think)


Misc. Notes:

• Lean & Green: Cauliflower pizza (I had one in the freezer! Woohoo)
• I tried the Apple & Cinnamon crisps. They were pretty good. 
• Trying to remember to drink water. I should probably keep a bottle in the car now that it's getting cold out.
• Still feeling that "Urge to Munch" at night. I'm going to curl up in bed and watch "The Walking Dead" (We just finished season 4 and I took out season 5 from the Library). That's a show that definitely doesn't make you want to eat something!

I choose Health

Okay. Thanksgiving is over. I ate more than I should have (of course), overindulged on desserts even when I wasn't hungry (of course).   I know holidays are coming. Channukah (aka the Jewish holiday in which we celebrate our military victories with oil, fried potatoes, and donuts) will be here soon, and then all the Christmas treats will be offered to me from every direction.

The damage is bad. I had lost nearly 70 pounds at one point, and I'm fairly certain I put pretty much all of it back. The clothes don't fit me anymore. XL yoga pants are tight on me. Size 16/18 pants don't fit. It's bad. I had to buy a few XXL stuff. I gave that stuff away.  I was so sure I wouldn't need it anymore. And I HATE myself for letting it get to the point where I wonder if that was a mistake. I'm essentially back to square one.

Tomorrow, November 30th 2015, I am starting over.

What's going to make this time different?

I'd be lying if I didn't say that my confidence is at an all-time low. I don't feel strong. I don't feel capable. I don't feel like I deserve to be strong OR capable.

My goal for this blog is to help me be accountable, honest, and provide affirmations to myself that I can do this.  The plan is not rocket science. The struggle has always been in my head. 

So here I go, on the eve of day 1.

• I choose to end the day feeling good about my food choices.
• I choose to set a good example for my children and my family.
• I choose to stop and challenge myself to make the right choices when temptations are presented to me.
• I choose to put a higher importance on my long-term health than my short-term satisfaction from food.
• I choose to ignore that voice in my head that says "You don't deserve this." and "Why bother?"
• I choose to focus on what's right for me and not letting myself become fodder for naysayers who cast judgement to cover up their own insecurities
• I choose to take the first steps to becoming healthy.
• I choose not to look back.

You don't *HAVE* to eat that ..... (or do I?)

Eating healthy and losing weight is not rocket science. There are many nuances to it (in terms of carbs, fats, fiber, exercise, metabolism, etc) but the root of it basically comes down to your CALORIES IN compared to your CALORIES OUT.  If you're trying to lose weight, IN has to be less than OUT. If you're trying to maintain, they should be the same. If you're wondering why you're gaining weight, it's usually because IN is more than OUT.

Yes, it's a gross generalization.

One of the things that gets to me is that I like to think of myself as a smart person. I graduated at the top of my high school class, got a full academic scholarship to Binghamton University, graduated with a major in computer science (minor in mathematics). Being able to think and behave logically shouldn't have ever been an issue for me.

But I can't seem to ever get a handle on my relationship with food. And it makes me mad that this is so hard for me.

One of my best friends (we go back to elementary school to give you an idea) has always been relatively thin and healthy.  One time, a bunch of us had a BIG dinner out, and then came back to our house to hang out and play some geeky board games (as we are prone to do). I had a bag of Cadbury Mini-Eggs, a group favorite, but I was hesitant to open them because I knew I wouldn't be able to stop eating them. One of the other friends wanted to open it, and I finally agreed.

Five minutes later, I was eating them (of course) even though I was NOT hungry, even in the SLIGHTEST. I mumbled aloud "Stupid Mini-Eggs... making me eat them". And that same slender, healthy friend looked at me, incredulously, and said "You know, you don't HAVE to eat them." She didn't say it rudely, condescendingly, or with the tiniest smidgen or judgement. She simply couldn't understand why I would eat chocolate eggs (no matter how delicious) if I wasn't hungry.  Another of my friends (who has had similar weight struggles to myself) joked "That's why you're skinny!! We *DO* need to eat them!"

We all laughed, but that moment stuck with me. She was right. I didn't have to eat it. But I was doing it anyways. Why?

I have some theories that perhaps explain the psychology of some of my eating behaviors. I'm not against sharing in this space, perhaps someone can relate to my experiences, but that isn't going to help me fix (and ultimately conquer) these habits. Because as I've learned as a parent, we can understand and be sympathetic as to why our kids behave badly and make poor decisions (they are tired, cranky, hungry..) but that doesn't mean the poor decisions and poor behavior are in ANY way acceptable.

I need to decide that making poor health decisions is NOT ACCEPTABLE. 

I don't *have* to eat anything.

Do I Deserve Health?

Over the many (and I mean MANY) years I have struggled with my weight and trying to become a healthy individual, I was always told by friends and loved ones some variant of the following:

• You can do it!
• Once you decide you are ready, you will do it.
• When you WANT it badly enough you will succeed.

But one day I was struggling and I spoke to my health coach and she came at it a different way. She didn't ask me if I WANT to be healthy. She knows I do, or else I wouldn't have a health coach in the first place. That's a redundant question. She asked me:

• Do you feel that you DESERVE to be healthy?

 That question sort of stopped me in my tracks. I couldn't answer it. I couldn't bring myself to say [what should be] the obvious answer.   I mean, don't I deserve to be healthy?

It goes hand-in-hand with a similar question: 

• Do I deserve to be happy?

Despite all of the GOOD things in my life (and there ARE a lot of good things, please don't misunderstand this), oftentimes I am neither happy NOR healthy. Without hesitation, I can say that I often don't feel that I deserve to be happy. So I guess it makes sense that I don't feel that I deserve to be healthy either.

This is probably the first thing I need to address, but I'm not quite sure how.

Why this Blog?

This blog represents an attempt to open up myself to some accountability. Mostly to myself, because I'm not planning on advertising this to the public. 

I'm hoping to use this as a tool to acknowledge both my successes and failures in my journey to achieve health in my life. Perhaps it can help me better understand why I make the choices that I do. If I made a good choice, what motivated me to make that choice. If I made a bad choice, what feelings led me down that path? What can I do about it next time?

One thing my health coach has said to me many times is that I need to believe that I truly deserve health. I have a hard time even typing that. But the truth is: I deserve happiness. I deserve peace of mind. I deserve HEALTH.