Perspective

So, last night wasn't a great night for me. I was frustrated and hungry and I cut myself a few slices of mozzarella cheese, which is definitely at trigger food for me (cheese in general). I know I overdid the protein that day, and I felt kind of guilty about it.  I should know better by now. As I was slicing it, I was thinking about how stupid I was being. But I didn't stop.

I really want to get to the gym all 3 of the days L is in pre-school, but it's been really hard to fit it in, and I don't mean that in the "excuse to not go to the gym" kind of way.  My weeks have been filled with volunteering at schools, doctor's appointments, and holidays. I WANT to go the gym and that is a good thing. I really enjoy the spin instructor that teaches on Mondays and Wednesdays, and I like getting in the pool and swimming laps. And most of all, I love that feeling when I'm done that I've accomplished something. You know, that brief moment where I feel like a certifiable healthy person.

So, I was able to get to the gym today (since Monday was a holiday, and I'm volunteering on Friday), and I took a spin class with that teacher I like a lot. I pushed myself hard, and I felt good. I went to the supermarket and got some fruit for the kids and some salmon to cook up later in the week. Then while on line, I pulled out my phone and I saw something on my newsfeed on Facebook that shook me up.

I saw a post tagging a former coworker of mine from her husband. It read that she had finally lost her battle with depression and took her own life yesterday.  He wrote "I just wish I could have helped her want to hang on. She tried, she really did."

I didn't know her terribly well -- she lived in California and I corresponded with her on a few projects -- I found her smart and funny.  I knew she had some health issues, and struggled with raising an autistic son. So, while any normal person would consider this sad, why did it hit me so hard? Suicide is a big trigger for me, because I've fought with depression my whole life. Another former coworker messaged me about it in case I didn't know, and she told me that she had trouble understanding what depression feels like.

I tried to explain the saying "Depression Lies". She asked me if it was like a voice in my head, and I said the following:

"No, but you genuinely feel like you're worthless, or that the world is better without you. 
Your brain is just in a place where it's so easy to believe it. 
And you can rationalize it in a million ways.
So you believe it.
And anyone else telling you it's not true, they seem like liars"

The thing is, I've never been hopeless enough that I ever hurt myself, but I've definitely contemplated it before. I have genuinely thought that the world would be better without me, and that the people around me would be happier if they didn't have to deal with me.  But I guess I clung to the small chance that maybe I was wrong and things would get better.  She wasn't able to do that, and I'm so sad. I wish I knew she was suffering so that I could have tried to help.

So, I guess I have a bit of perspective now, since the worst part of my day yesterday was making a few bad eating decisions.  That I was a little tired, and maybe a bit frustrated with my husband. I have to keep my head up and think of all the potential for tomorrow, and the days and months that come after that. I'm just sad that my casual friend from California isn't alive to see what a beautiful day it might be.