Relief

The scale went down.  Noticeably.

My reaction?

THANK GOD.

I was nervous stepping on the scale for the first time in a while. I knew that I did well this week. I went to the gym twice, I didn't cheat -- there was no reason the scale shouldn't reflect it, but I was still scared.

Lisa asked me why I think I felt that way, and I told her that I didn't trust my body. She pointed out that I often talk about my body like it's a separate entity from the rest of me, like it's a "third party that does its own thing, independent of [my] thoughts and actions".

I guess sometimes it feels that way though. Like my body isn't playing for the same team as me -- I want to lose weight, it wants to cling to every last ounce of fat.  I want to be able to forgive myself and move on from a transgression, it wants to not only stop my progress, but reverse it.  My body feels like it has no flexibility, no forgiveness, no room for error. It seems to fight me every step of the way.

As I said in my last post, I know that complaining won't change my metabolism, or my body's response to unhealthy foods (in any quantity or frequency). It sucks, and it isn't fair, but there are a lot of things that don't suck about my body.  I am otherwise a healthy person, free of major diseases and ailments.  I'm sure there are women struggling with cancer who would love to instead be struggling with something as trivial as their weight.  I have to keep that perspective, and I have to take ownership of my body and make it work for me. It answers to ME.

So, this morning, I dragged my body to the gym and took another spin class. I'm starting to get re-acclimated to spinning and it feels less intimidating. Healthy habits feel GOOD. Maybe I can convince my body to join my team after all.


WEIGH IN STATS: Week 6
* Change this week: -3.5lbs
* Total change since day 1: -19.5lbs
* Total change since March 2014: -42.5