Scale Victory

I didn't weigh myself last week after the whole Superbowl thing, since I was feeling really negative and I didn't want to start myself on a downward spiral should the results match how I was feeling. So I have no idea how much damage (if any) I did that day, because I weighed myself as scheduled on Monday, and I was down 3 pounds over 2 weeks. That is solid progress.

As I wrote on my last entry, I have not been feeling great about things, or myself in general. I was not feeling productive, healthy, attractive, vibrant, or even like a terribly good mother this week. I went out to the supermarket to get something to cook for dinner, and I genuinely didn't want to go back home. A lot of "why bother" thoughts creeped in there. On Sunday, I was so unbelievably hungry at lunch time, I started snacking on the cheese, and before I knew it, I ate a good half a block of mozzarella (half a pound). I totally lost control.

For what it's worth, I talked to my coach, I got back on track  and I got through it. So I'm proud of myself for not giving up on the rest of the day (and myself), but I really need to come to terms with why that happened and what I can do to prevent it.

I keep going back to that feeling of self-doubt and hopelessness -- kind of like "Why bother, you're just going to mess up and gain everything back anyways, so you might as well enjoy the comfort of the food."

Lisa (my health coach) suggested writing down some reasons why it's worth "bothering". Here goes:
1) I want to set a good example for my children.
2) I may never have a body that other people envy, but I want to carry myself with confidence and pride that I have a healthy body.
3) I want to be able to have adventurous trips with my girls when they are old enough to really travel.
4) I want to be able to have adventures and fun trips with my husband and friends!
5) I don't want to be thinking about diabetes and heart disease in my 40's and 50's the way my father & grandparents did.  *** I know this is a negative, but it's important with my family history
6) I want to finish every meal satisfied and content, not bloated and fatigued.
7) I want to be able to trust myself to make healthy choices without feeling deprived and like it's "work". This will only happen if I truly change my habits, and not just "diet."

But then.... all of this goes back to the mission statement of this blog --- don't I believe that I deserve these things? Aren't they more important than the TEMPORARY comfort of food when I'm having a bad day?

I have always struggled (since childhood) with feeling like I'm a good person, worthy of happiness and friendship and love. And in a lot of places, I found those things. I am not lacking in some wonderful friends, a loving husband, healthy and [mostly] happy kids. But I constantly question if I'm good enough, and there are definitely people in my life who take advantage of that. I readily hand them power to weaken me, which I should be using it to make myself stronger

It's a work in progress, but I think recognizing that I need to change these things is an important step.

My self worth can't be defined by others.


WEIGH IN STATS: Week 11
* Change in 2 weeks: -3lbs  
* Total change since day 1: -27lbs
* Total change since March 2014: -50