Looking for a Reason

I haven't been feeling great lately. A lot of little things that just don't seem right, I might check in with my doctor, some of the things that are bothering me are not normal complaints (frequent headaches, a pain in the side of my neck, etc)

But it's funny how, when that part of my brain started saying things like "Maybe something is horribly, horribly wrong" and I started having scary visions of rare diseases and illnesses, one of the thoughts that actually entered my head was "Oh, but if I am actually sick, then I probably have a good excuse to go off plan and eat some normal food."

Now, I absolutely and 100% recognize how that is an unequivocally awful thing to think, not to mention put into writing. I don't take my health for granted and I know that there are people with debilitating and life-threatening illnesses that would gladly trade that for a slow metabolism and a bit of a weight problem.

But I still thought it.

I had a similar thought when I was dealing with a particular bout of depression and anxiety. I was driving by myself on a crowded highway at rush hour and I imagined getting into a car accident. I thought, "Hey, if I am in the hospital for a few days, I'll get a break from my life." That instead of me trying to take care of everybody else, people might actually be trying to take care of me.  It'd be like a vacation.

Awful, isn't it?

But those were my honest thoughts.

And these are my thoughts now...

I feel like I am looking for a compelling enough reason to "let" myself quit. Which is absolutely the wrong attitude to take on this journey. The desire to create health is not currently my motivator or I wouldn't be having these thoughts. There's definitely a fear of gaining weight and a fear of failure (yet again) that has kept me from derailing. But that's not going to be enough.

I'm probably going to call the doctor tomorrow and get to the bottom of this. Then, when it's hopefully nothing, I can remind myself what I'm trying to do.

For now, just getting through the day might have to be enough.