New Year's Eve Dilemma

I am looking forward to the wind-down of the holiday season, but with that comes New Year's Eve, which I have been putting off discussing.

Just to give some history/back-story: I don't have an enormous social circle -- I'm somewhat socially awkward and never really been someone that people naturally gravitate to for friendship and companionship. I also harbor some trust issues going back to adolescence; it is hard for me to believe that people want to be friends with me for me, and likewise that I am worthy of their love & friendship. When I meet new people, I have a tendency to either push too hard (and therefore come across as needy/over-dramatic) or just fade into the background of people with more magnetic personalities. It's always a struggle for me to make new friends.

That said, I do have a handful of close friends, some going back as far as elementary school. Even though we don't all live in the same area anymore, we are close enough that we can usually get together once a month (give or take) as a group, and the highlight has always been the New Year's Eve party. We host it at our house, we share delicious food that we all prepare, drink, play games, make fun of the "musicians" the kids are listening to these days, watch the ball drop, and generally have a good time. And we do it kid-free!

I'd be lying if I said that food wasn't a big part of what I look forward to. Yes, the friends, and the company are the MOST important, but the food (which everyone contributes to) is a lot of the fun too. I'm struggling on how to get this thought across without sound like I'm trying to rationalize the 'cheat' that will ultimately lead to yet another downfall.  But I really want to enjoy this time with my friend AND enjoy the food too. And I don't think that makes me a weak person, I think it makes me an honest one.

I know that my coach, while she acknowledges that I am free to make my own choices, doesn't think this is a great idea for me. She's seen me fall apart in the past -- I have an unforgiving metabolism and even one evening off-plan is likely to do some damage on the scale.  I do not have a good history of forgiving myself for mistakes and being able to get myself back on track.  With such delicate confidence, there's a slippery slope at play.  I know she (and in a way, myself) would much rather see a success story that I didn't go off plan, that I was able to ignore all that delicious food, eat my chocolate crunch bar, and find all of my joy & satisfaction from the company of my friends.

But I really want to enjoy this day, food included.  I want to tackle this day as I would imagine myself celebrating New Year's eve at a healthy & fit 140lbs --  not a binge, but a rare treat where I can let down my guard a little bit and [carefully] enjoy some of my favorite decadent foods, with the willpower and strength of mind to realize that I don't have to have to devour everything in sight. I want to feel satisfied - not stuffed. I want to plan what I will eat ahead of time, not eat mindlessly. Everything I put in my mouth should be a choice, made from a place of honesty and accountability. It SHOULD be mostly about sharing the evening with my friends, but there's nothing wrong with sharing some of the food as well, so long as I can acknowledge and mitigate the consequences.

So, when the scale ultimately shows that I didn't lose anything, or worse, that maybe I gained a pound or so, I want to have the strength of mind to realize that this was a result of a conscious choice, and that I have the power and control to fix it.  That I am not a victim of my own metabolism and my own lack of self-control. That I am NOT helpless.

So, I guess I have more-or-less rationalized going off-plan for New Year's Eve.  But the reality is, along this journey, I know that I am going to make mistakes again. Perhaps part of my problem was that I went so long WITHOUT making a mistake, that when I finally did, I didn't know how to recover.  I'd rather make this choice willingly and use it as a test of my strength and focus to come back, than to spend one of my favorite days of the year feeling deprived and weak, and then possibly making poor choices out of self-loathing and frustration.

I can do this.

I am strong enough.

I am not a victim.

I am not helpless.